At Work
Your hair smells nice
A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"The woman replies, "He's a midget."
How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burnout, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make thebulbs work smarter, not harder.
How do you get 20 vice presidents in a mini-van?
How do you get 20 vice presidents in a mini-van?Promote one and watch the other 19 crawl up his ass.
Work Environment
Work Environment: (Wise manager) + (Wise employee) = PROFIT (Wise manager) + (Dumb employee) = PRODUCTION(Dumb manager) + (Wise employee) = PROMOTION (Dumb manager) + (Dumb employee) = OVERTIME
How do you know if your secretary?s having a bad day?
How do you know if your secretary?s having a bad day?Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil
The company president called the chief security guard...
The company president called the chief security guard into his office. "Chuck, we've received a complaint from one of the employees that you are making obscene sexual comments and putting your hands where they don'tbelong. These unwanted advances will have to stop." Chuck looked down at his feet and mumbled, "I'm sorry, Sir. I won't' do it again." The company president said, "I'm sure Ms. Jones will be happy to hear that." Chuck's face lit up. "Ms Jones?!!!! I was afraid that Bob in Accounting was complaining!!!!"
How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse...
Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says, "We're going to have to do this over and overagain until we get it right." An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breathnormally."
Did you hear about the welfare doll?
Did you hear about the welfare doll?You wind it up and it doesn't work.
What is the difference between a toilet and Convienience Store Clerk?
What is the difference between a toilet and Convienience Store Clerk?A toilet only has to deal with one asshole at a time.
Telegram received from ex-employee
Telegram received from ex-employee:"Fuck you. I quit. Strong message to follow."
George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard I
George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard INever walk down the hall without a document in yourhands. People with documents in their hands look likehardworking employees heading for important meetings. Peoplewith nothing in their hands look like they're heading for thecafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look likethey're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure youcarry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generatingthe false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard II
Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer,it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send andreceive personal e-mail, calculate your finances andgenerally have a blast without doing anything remotelyrelated to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefitsthat the proponents of the computer revolution would like totalk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught byyour boss -and you *will* get caught - your best defence isto claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thussaving valuable training dollars.
George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard III
Messy desk. Top management can get away with a cleandesk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not workinghard enough. Build huge piles of documents around yourworkspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the sameas today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high andwide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, burythe document you'll need halfway down in an existing stackand rummage for it when he/she arrives.
George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard IV
Voice Mail. Never answer your phone if you have voicemail. People don't call you just because they want to giveyou something for nothing - they call because they want YOUto do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all yourcalls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mailmessage for you and it sounds like impending work, respondduring lunch hour when you know they're not there - it lookslike you're hardworking and conscientious even though you'rebeing a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the methodof screening incoming calls and then returning calls whennobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that thecaller will give up or look for a solution that doesn'tinvolve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can everhear is: "Ignore my last message. I took care of it". If yourvoice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it canhold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way todo that is to never erase any incoming messages. If thattakes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callerswill hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailboxis full" - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee inhigh demand.
George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard V
Looking Impatient and Annoyed. According to GeorgeCostanza, one should also always try to look impatientand annoyed to give your bosses the impression thatyou are always busy.
George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard VI
Appear to Work Late. Always leave the office late,especially when the boss is still around. You could readmagazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read buthave no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walkpast the boss' room on your way out. Send important emailsat unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc...) and duringpublic holidays.
George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard VII
Creative Sighing for Effect. Sigh loudly when there aremany people around, giving the impression that you arevery hard pressed.
George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard VIII
Stacking Strategy. It is not enough to pile lots ofdocuments on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. .Can always borrow from library. Thick computer manuals are the best.
George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard IX
Build Vocabulary. Read up on some computer magazines andpick out all the jargon and new products. Use it freely whenin conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have tounderstand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard X
MOST IMPORTANTLY: DON'T forward any of this to your boss by mistake!!!
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