At Work
Proffessional Acquantance
A well respected Doctor and his wife were having drinks in the lobby of the theater during the opening nite of a musical duringintermission. A blonde shimmied by that had to have had what there was of her evening gown spray painted on her curvy body.She smiled and gushed, "Well, hello there Doc." and kept right on going.After a moment's pause, the good doctor looked at his wife and said, "Don't worry dear, that's just a young lady I knowprofessionally."Without missing a beat, his wife asked, "Hers or Yours ?"
Returning from her vacation...
Returning from her vacation, the young secretary was telling anyone who would listen about what a fun time she had. She then asked for two weeks leave in which to get married. "But you just had two weeks off," said the boss. "Why didn't you get married then ?" "What and ruin my vacation ?" she whined.
Not so fast!
Like a lot of young women these days, one of our secretaries had worked long and hard to put her boyfriend through college. After he graduated and passed his bar exam, I asked her if they planned to be married soon. She looked at me with a big smile and said, "Oh no! Not right away. I want him to practice for at least six months first."
Why I Fired My Secretary
Why I Fired My Secretary I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought,"I'm another year older," but decided to make the best of it. So I showered andshaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a bigkiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear." All smiles, I went in to breakfast, andthere sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn't say one word. SoI got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, "Oh well,she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and theywill sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me." There I sat, enjoyingmy coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen,yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going tomiss the bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office. When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smileand a cheerful "Happy birthday, boss." She then asked if she could get me somecoffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better. Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Sinceit's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it would makeme feel better, I said, "That's a good idea." So we locked up the office, andsince it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and havelunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out oftown and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and anice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, "Why don'twe go to my place, and I will fix you another martini." It sounded like a goodidea, since we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to herapartment, and she fixed us some martinis. After a while, she said, "If youwill excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and sheleft the room. In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a bigbirthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. And there I sat withnothing on but my socks.
The hotel Astor had hired a new bus driver...
The hotel Astor had hired a new bus driver and instructed him to meet all incoming trains and announce at the depot in a very loud voice, "Free bus to the hotel Astor!" On the way to the station on his first trip her kept repeating to himself, "Free bus to the hotel Astor, Free bus to the hotel Astor," until he memorized it letter perfect. Upon his arrival at the station, however, he became confused at all the noise and hub bub and started shouting as follows."Free hotel at the bust your Astor, I mean, Free ass at the Hotel Bastard, I mean, Freeze your ass at the Hotel Buster, I mean Squeeze your bust at the Hotel Faster, I mean, Bust your ass at the Hotel Freezer, Oh shit...take a cab."
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning...
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat, the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!""That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
God Meets Bureaucracy
God Meets BureaucracyIn the beginning God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was facedwith a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impactstatement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but wasstymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part. Appearing atthe hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the firstplace. He replied that he just liked to be creative.Then God said, "Let there be light." Officials immediately demanded toknow how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What aboutthermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ballof fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assumingthat no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain abuilding permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half thetime. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness"Night." Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as manyseed."The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let watersbring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly overthe earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval from theDepartment of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation andthe Audubongelic Society.Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in sixdays. Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review theapplication and the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before...At this point God created Hell.
Jim will not be in today. He is not feeling himself. Thank you.
"Jim will not be in today. He is not feeling himself. Thank you."THIS MEANS:1. He doesn't feel the way he usually does.2. He is not in complete control of his hands.3. His emotions are shattered.4. His skin is numb.5. He has transofrmed into an alter-ego (i.e. professional wrestler)6. He is not feeling himself, in a biblical sense.7. He has been covered in saran-wrap.8. He is in an isolation tank.9. He wanted to take a day off but couldn't come up with an actual illness to fake.10. He is feeling others.:) by Jennifer Schmidt and Nick GassJenSch@aol.com
The boss called one of his employees into the office...
The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice- chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?" "Thanks," said the employee. "Thanks?" the boss replied.a "Is that all you can say?" "I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."
A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day...
A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store.""But I'm a college graduate." the young man replied indignantly."Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I'll show you how."
Smart decision
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste...
A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment. Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor.Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation. Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick. Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning? Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job. Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive? Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined. Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept? Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead. Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept in a lead container. Trucker: Yeah, that?s right. All lead. Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning. Trucker: I'm not. I claiming for lead poisoning.
I am looking for a job as a consultant...
Job Applicant: "I'm looking for a job as a consultant."Employer: "I'm sorry, we already have enough cosultants."Applicant: "That's ok, with my experience, I can be an advisor."Employer: "More than we can use already."Applicant: As he is getting desperate, "I'm not proud, I can dopaperwork, I'll be a clerk, If you have too many, I'll start as a janitor."Employer: "It just doesn't seem that we have any openings for a person with your qualifications."Applicant: As he stands up and angrily yells, "work for you I'd have to be a low life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk!"Employer: "Well, you didn't say you were an attorney, have a seat, we may have an opening."
Understanding Your Paycheck
Understanding Your PaycheckGROSS PAY: $1222.02INCOME TAX OUTGO TAX STATE TAX INTERSTATE TAX COUNTY TAX 244.40 45.21 61.10 5.89 6.11CITY TAX RURAL TAX BACK TAX FRONT TAX SIDE TAX 12.22 4.44 1.11 1.16 1.61UP TAX DOWN TAX KNICKNACK TAX HACKENSAC TAX THUMBTAX 2.22 1.11 1.98 3.93 0.98CARPET TAX SNACK TAX SURTAX MA'AM TAX PARKING FEE 0.69 8.32 3.46 3.46 5.00NO PARKING FEE F.I.C.A. T.G.I.F. LIFE INS. HEALTH INS. 10.00 81.88 9.95 5.85 16.23DISABILITY INS. ABILITY INS. LIABILITY INS. DENTAL INS. MENTAL INS. 2.50 0.25 3.41 4.50 4.33FUNDAMENTAL INS COFFEE COFEE CUPS CALENDAR RENTAL FLOOR RENTAL 0.11 6.85 66.51 3.06 16.85CHAIR RENTAL DESK RENTAL UNION DUES UNION DON'TS CASH ADVANCES 4.32 4.32 5.85 3.77 0.69CASH RETREATS OVERTIME UNDERTIME EASTERN TIME CENTRAL TIME 121.35 1.26 54.83 9.00 8.00MOUNTAIN TIME PACIFIC TIME DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME TIME OUT 7.00 6.00 4.44 12.21OXYGEN WATER ELECTRICITY HEAT AIR CONDITIONING 10.02 16.54 38.23 51.42 46.83MISC169.24TAKE HOME PAY: $0000.02
So my sister, a natural blond...
So my sister, a natural blond graduating from the University of North Carolina Law School, is job hunting. I suggested that since Microsoft is building up their legal team, she should send them a resume and become a southern blond Microsoft lawyer -- and be the butt of any joke on the internet.
A man was being interviewed for a job...
A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer. "Yes, I was a marine," responded the applicant. "Did you see any active duty?" "I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability." "May I ask what happened?" "Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles." "You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am." "When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability." "Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."
Rejection Letter Reject
Rejection Letter RejectEver wonder what to do when those rejection letters start pilingup? Well here's a suggestion:- - - - - - - - - - - - - Cut Here - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -[Date Today]Dear Mr. Kennelly:Thank you for your letter of April 17. After carefulconsideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to acceptyour refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year Ihave been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually largenumber of rejection letters. With such a varied and promisingfield of candidates it is impossible for me to accept allrefusals.Despite Acme Inc.'s outstanding qualifications and previousexperience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejectiondoes not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I willinitiate employment with your firm immediately followinggraduation. I look forward to seeing you then.Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.Sincerely,[Your name here]
Retire Aged Personell Early
Retire Aged Personell EarlyTO ALL MCCCD EMPLOYEESFROM GOVERNING BOREDDATE 22 APR 19861. As a result of the HAYZE mismanagement study, we mustdrastically cut most salaries and reduce our number of personnel.Under this plan, older employees will go on early retirement,thus permitting management to focus its abuse on youngeremployees who represent our future.2. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by theend of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placedinto effect immediately. The program will be known as RAPE(Retire Aged Personnel Early). Employees who are RAPED will begiven the opportunity to work other jobs within the system atgreatly reduced pay. This phase of the reduction program iscalled SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).3. All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may applyfor a new re- employment eligibility service. This service willbe called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority FollowingTermination). Current regulations state that employees may onlybe RAPED once and SCREWED twice, but they may get the SHAFT asmany times as management deems appropriate.4. If an employee meets all of the above requirements,he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings of RetiredPersons Entitlement System). HERPES is considered as a bonus plansince the employee can no longer be RAPED and SCREWED bymanagement. RAPED personnel may also get Assistance for ImmediateDisplacement Service (AIDS). Since AIDS has serious implications,one should only request this service once.5. Employees can enhance their retention prospects bysigning up for additional training. It is now and always has beenthe policy of management to ensure all employees are well trainedthrough our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We have givenour employees more SHIT than any other organization in thecountry. If any employee feels he/she does not receive enoughSHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Our management isespecially trained to ensure that you will get all the SHIT youcan stand.6. To ensure equal treatment of all MCCCD employees, onlyupper-management and their selected brown-noses will be givenraises and exempt status from the above programs. Yu Bien Haad MCCCD GOVERNING BOREDP.S. We in upper management would like to once again applaudthe HAYZE people for their very consistent and reasonable study;heck, we couldn't have paid anyone to make up a better report!
How Shit Happens
How Shit HappensIn the Beginning was The PlanAnd then came the AssumptionsAnd the Assumptions were without formAnd the Plan was completely without substanceAnd the darkness was upon the face of the WorkersAnd the Workers spoke amongst themselves, saying"It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth,"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them,"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth,"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another,"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them,"It promotes growth and is very powerful."And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him,"This new Plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this Company, and in these Areas in particular."And the President looked upon The Plan,And saw that it was good, and The Plan became Policy.And this is how Shit Happens.
Tactfullness
The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company's complaint department to ask for help."The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much.", said the nun."Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade.", said the company spokeswoman.Mother superior then observed, "I think the term they actually use is 'fucking shovel'".
0 1 2 3 4 5 Next >>