Blonde Jokes
Make it off the island
|There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
Blondes change a lightbulb
|Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?Blonde: Yes.Operator: The power in the house in on?Blonde: Of course.Operator: And the switch is on?Blonde: Yes, yes.Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?Blonde: No, it's working fine.Operator: Then what's the problem?Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves.
One wish to each
|Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie's lamp.After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you."The first said, "I wish I were smarter."So, she became a redhead.The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than she is."She became a brunette.The third blond ordered, "I wish I were smarter than both of them!"So, she became a man.
What type of prize did you win?
|A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, "I won a motor home! I won a motor home!"The waitress runs over and argues, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stero system!"The blonde replies, "No. I won a motor home!"By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as one of our prizes."Again the blonde says, "There is no mistake! I won a motor home!" The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."
Let's take a trip to Disney
|Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida.As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying "Disney World Left!"After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said "Oh well!" and started driving back home.
How many sheep do I have?
|There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them."If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?" she asked.The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed."You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. "You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog."
I can't breathe without that
|A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her walkman on her head."I need to take that walkman off your head," says the beauty specialist as she notices the blonde."You can't! I'll die!" retorts the blonde."I can't cut your hair with the walkman on your ears!" says the beauty specialist getting annoyed."I said you can't take it off, or I'll die!"The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and throws it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies. When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it repeating "breath in, breath out, breath in".
Shortage of parachutes
|A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the pope, and a pilot were on a plane.The plane was going down fast, and there were only four parachutes for all five of them.The pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped.The pope told the brunette to take the last one.The brunette said, "There are still 2 parachutes left! The blonde took my backpack!"
Turn back your car odometer
|A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal.""That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car.""Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?""No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."
The blonde test taker
|A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening."I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."
Mind telling me the time?
|BLONDE: "Excuse me, what time is it right now?"WOMAN: "It's 11:25PM."BLONDE: (confused look on face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I've asked that question thirty times today, and every time someone gives me a different answer."
First experience horse riding
|A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
Unlocking your car
|Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue:Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down!
Buying drinks at a bar
|A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and ordered their drinks from the bartender.Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."Bartender:"What is a B and C?".Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."Bartender: "What's a G and T?"Redhead: "Gin and tonic."Blonde: "I'll have a 15."Bartender: "What's a 15?"Blonde: "7 and 7"
Do you see the dead bird?
|A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning.Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird. "Awww, look at the dead birdie," she says sadly.The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says, "Where? Where?"
Slot machine winner
|A dumb blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?"The blonde turns around and says, "Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!"
I deserve a first class seat
|A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
Helping a blond lose weight
|A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet."I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor. "No, from skipping," replied the blonde.
Fallen bridge
|A blond and her blond boyfriend went for a walk along the river.The blond walked across alone on a wooden bridge. After crossing the river, the bridge fell down.She called across to her blond boyfriend telling him that she couldn't get back.He yelled in response, "Wait until dark, and I will shine my flash light across the river. Get on the light beam and walk back."She replied, "No, I'll get half way across the river, and you will turn the light off on me!"
Want me to paint for you?
|A blonde was recently fired from an M&M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells on the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself. After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she found a man who needed a painter."I'm here for the paint job," she said."Alright," said the man. "Here is the paint and your brush. I want you to paint my porch behind the house."The blonde immediately went to work painting. Within an hour, she was done and decided to put on a second coating.After she finished, she returned to the man for her pay. She said with satisfaction, "I not only completed the job, but I even put on two coats of paint! By the way, that isn't a porsche out back. It's a new BMW.
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