Children
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy...
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother saysyour prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does shesay?"The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
A failed attempt
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold creamon her face."Why do you do that, Mommy?""To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removingthe cream with a tissue."What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
A lost skill
This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found oneat a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning."This mower work, son?" the preacher asked.Little Johnny said, "Sure does -- just pull on the cord hard, though."The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start.Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny'shouse. "You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough.""Well," Johnny said, "you need to curse at it sometimes."The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!""Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you."
A little boy and his dad are standing in line...
A little boy and his dad are standing in line at the grocery store behind a big fat lady. The little boy says, "hey dad, look how fat that lady is!""Shhhh, quiet son, she'll hear you.""But dad, look how big and fat that lady is!""Shhhhhh, don't say that son, it's not nice!""But dad, look how big and fat that lady is!""Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh, don't say that son, it's not nice and it's rude!"Suddenly the fat lady's beeper goes off."Look out dad, she's backing up!"
Who discovered North America?
Teacher: Little Johnny, go to the map and find North America.Little Johnny: Here it is!Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?Class: Little Johnny!
How can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?
Teacher: How can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?Little Johnny: I get up early.
A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother...
A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said. "Can we leave now?" "No," her mother replied. "Well, I think I have to throw up!" "Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" her mother asked. "Yes," the little girl replied. "Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?" "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy." the little girl replied. "They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the sick'."
A new method
It's the first day of school and the teacher told her kindergarten class,"If anyone has to go to the bathroom, you should hold up two fingers."After a moment of quiet thought, Little Johnny asked: "How will that help?"
A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic...
A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to Little Johnny . So she said , "If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?""Somebody else's pants." said the Little Johnny.
Little Johnny was assigned a paper on childbirth...
Little Johnny was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "How was I born?" "The stork brought you to us." "Oh," said Little Johnny. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked. "Oh, the stork brought us too." "So. . . how were grandpa and grandma born?" "Well, darling, the stork brought them too," said the mother. The next day Little Johnny handed in his paper to the teacher. It read, "This report is impossible to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
Gone fishing
Henry Abel's son, David, burst into the house, crying like everything.His Mama asked him what the problem was. "Pop and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away." "Now come on, David," his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have laughed." "That's what I did, Mama."
Ear
Little Johnny was in a spelling bee in class. He had to spell the word and use it in a sentence. The teacher asked him to please spell the word EAR. Little Johnny stood up and proudly said EAR E,A,R. Then to use it in a sentence he pretended to take a big hit off a joint and then while pretending to have his lungs full of smoke he predended to pass the joint to little Suzy and said "Ear"
Following the sign
Teacher: Why are you late?Little Johnny: Because of the sign.Teacher: What sign?Little Johnny: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow. "That's what Idid.
Quick and clear
A son comes to his dad and says:- Dad, i gotta tell you something- Ok, Quick and clear!- 100 bucks
Mom, can little girls have babies?
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked,"Mommy, can little girls have babies?""No", said his mom, "of course not."Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to hisfriends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate...
At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."
Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom...
Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his dick in preparation of fucking his wife. Johnny's father in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin' dad?"His father qiuckly replied "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.", to which Little Johnny replied "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"
Count till fifty
The teacher walked into the classroom to find words like "cunt" and "cock" scrawled all over the blackboard. "Children," she said, addressing the classroom, "you are much too young to use vile language like that. Now we're all going to close our eyes and count up to fifty. Then, while our eyes are closed, I want the little boy or girl who wrote those words on the board to tiptoe up and erase them." At the signal, the teacher and the children all closed their eyes. Then the teacher counted out loud, very slowly. When she reached fifty, she said, "All right. Everybody open their eyes." All eyes went to the blackboard. None of the words were erased. But below them was the message: "Fuck you, teacher! The Phantom strikes again!"
A little boy did not go to school one day...
A little boy did not go to school one day. The next day when the teacher asked him why, he said "Our cow was on heat, so I had to take her to the Bull". "How disgusting" said the teacher "I am sure your father could have done that" "No ma'm, he couldn't have" said the little sod "It has to be the Bull".
Little Johnny goes into a pharmacy and asks...
Little Johnny goes into a pharmacy and asks the chemist for some rubbers.The chemist puts a pack of rubbers on the counter. Johnny looks at therubbers and asks the chemist if he has any other kind. The chemist goesinto the back and brings out another pack. "Nah," says Johnny, "what elsedo you have?" "Well," the chemist replies, "the only other kind that Ihave are the ones with all the bumps and ridges on them. Do you know whatthese will do to a woman?" Little Johnny says, "No... but they'll make agoat jump about two feet off of the ground!"
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