Computing Jokes
Abbott calling Costello
|Costello calls Abbott with some questions about UNIX.Costello: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program?Abbott: Yes, that's correct.Costello: No, what is it?Abbott: Yes.Costello: So, which is the one?Abbott: No. 'which' is used to find the program.Costello: Stop this. Who are you?Abbott: Use 'who am i' not 'who r yoo'. You can also 'finger yoo' to get information about 'yoo'.Costello: All I want to know is what finds the revision code?Abbott: Use 'what'.Costello: That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true?Abbott: No. 'true' gives you 0.Costello: Which one?Abbott: 'true' gives you 0. 'which programname'Costello: Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?Abbott: Type 'find / -name it -print' to find 'it'. Type 'what program' to get the revision code.Costello: I want to find the revision code.Abbott: You can't 'find revisioncode', you must use 'what program'.Costello: Which command will do what I need?Abbott: No. 'which command' will find 'command'.Costello: I think I understand. Let me write that.Abbott: You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your system.Costello: Write what?Abbott: No. 'write that'. 'what program'.Costello: Cut that out!Abbott: Yes. those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the options.Costello: Do you always do this?Abbott: 'du' will give you disk usage.Costello: HELP!Abbott: 'help' is only used for Source Code Control System (SCCS).Costello: You make me angry.Abbott: No, I don't 'make me' angry but I did 'make programname' when I was upset once.Costello: I don't want to make trouble, so no more.Abbott: No 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. Every system has 'more'.Costello: Nice help! I'm confused more now!Abbott: Understand that since 'help' is such a small program, it is better not to 'nice help'. and 'more now' is not allowed but 'at now' is. Unless of course 'now' is a file name.Costello: This is almost as confusing as my PC.Abbott: I didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. Let me get you to the Pascal compiler team.
The Twelve Bugs of Christmas
|For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to meSee if they can do it again.For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to meAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to meTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to meRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to meAsk for a dumpRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to meReinstall the softwareAsk for a dumpRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to meSay they need an upgradeReinstall the softwareAsk for a dumpRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to meFind a way around itSay they need an upgradeReinstall the softwareAsk for a dumpRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to meBlame it on the hardwareFind a way around itSay they need an upgradeReinstall the softwareAsk for a dumpRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to meChange the documentationBlame it on the hardwareFind a way around itSay they need an upgradeReinstall the softwareAsk for a dumpRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to meSay it's not supportedChange the documentationBlame it on the hardwareFind a way around itSay they need an upgradeReinstall the softwareAsk for a dumpRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to meTell them it's a featureSay it's not supportedChange the documentationBlame it on the hardwareFind a way around itSay they need an upgradeReinstall the softwareAsk for a dumpRun with the debuggerTry to reproduce itAsk them how they did it andSee if they can do it again.
Microsoft runs the I.R.S.
|If Microsoft Ran The IRS "Government should be run like a business." We've all heard that chestnut. Here is how the Internal Revenue Service (nobody's favorite government agency) would be like, if only it were run like Microsoft Corp. (a successful private enterprise). -- The IRS, as always, announces new tax forms will be mailed the week before the new year. However it will follow Microsoft's example and actually ship them the following May. -- Responding to pressure from some large corporations and a users' group, some early copies of the tax forms will actually be released in March. The recipients must sign non-disclosure agreements. -- In June, the forms will be recalled because the IRS loses a suit for appropriating some other country's intellectual property. -- When you move, the IRS will continue to send mail to your previous address forevermore, just like Microsoft sends its product upgrade notices. -- When you upgrade from form 1040 EZ to 1040 A, and then to 1040, you will pay an upgrade fee each time. Also you need to send in a new registration card and get a new Social Security Number. In order to upgrade, you have to submit the original first page of your previous year's form. -- Like Microsoft, when you file a late or amended tax return the IRS will reject it on the grounds that the the prior year is no longer supported. -- The IRS telephone help will remain similar to Microsoft's, staffed by ill-trained, high-turnover personnel who sometimes give a correct answer, but the IRS will have to discontinue using a toll-free phone number. -- After struggling with reams of dense documentation of complex options and rules, you discover that you will need publication 3297, with a ten-word-long title, in order to answer (you hope) a single obscure question. The IRS, like Microsoft, will charge a minimum of $40 for that publication. -- The IRS, like Microsoft, will continue to issue immense volumes of bug fixes, interpretations, and clarifications. However the tax-rule updates should be neither easily searchable nor well-indexed. -- Instead of three-ring binders containing complete sets of tax code bugs and interpretations, IRS rulings will be promulgated in a haphazard fashion by individual taxpayers via BBS, Usenet, and Compuserve. A for- profit publishing subsidiary would also be nice. -- The new all-powerful (and eccentric) Commissioner of Internal Revenue will jet around the country giving speeches and granting numerous interviews, but only to sycophantic reporters. Changes to the tax code will be at the whim of the Commissioner and largely kept secret until they are published.
Newest MS computer game
|Solitaire '99Here is the README.TXT file from Microsoft's latest software product. Microsoft Solitaire '98README file, v4.3Welcome!Congratulations!Welcome to the wonderful world of Microsoft Solitaire '98! This classic game has been a Windows fixture for many years, and after a long period of development, we are pleased to announce that it has been updated to take advantage of many exciting, Microsoft- pioneered technologies, such as "long filenames!" For years, our users have made demands, and Microsoft has listened. You told us that you wanted an operating system in which Solitaire was a seamless, integrated component. You wanted to blend in Solitaire with how you worked, how you played, and in general, you wanted Solitaire to *define your computing experience.* Solitaire '98 brings this dream to a blissful reality. System Requirements:- 266 MHz Pentium II or better- 800 megabytes of free hard drive space (2.1 gigabytes recommended)- 128 megabytes of RAM (256 megabytes for Vegas scoring)Installation Procedure:1. Insert the CD-ROM entitled "Microsoft Solitaire" into your CD-ROM drive. You will need to make sure that the drive door is open before you place the disc in the tray. 2. An installation dialog box should appear on your screen. If it does not, you may need to purchase more memory or a larger hard disk drive. See your local Microsoft-certified dealer. 3. Follow the onscreen instructions. If you cannot read, have somebody else sit through the installation procedure. 4. Insert the CD-ROM entitled "Microsoft Solitaire, Disc 2" into your CD-ROM drive. As before, ensure that the drive is open before inserting the disc in the tray. 5. An installation dialog box should appear on your screen. If it does not, you may need to upgrade to a Microsoft "Natural" keyboard, which you can obtain from your nearest dealer. As before, follow the onscreen instructions. 6. After the installation program has completed, check your "Programs" menu for a new Solitaire '98 entry. If the program entry was not successfully created, you may need to uninstall all local copies of Netscape Navigator and/or Communicator and restart the Solitaire installation process from scratch. Playing The Game:Assuming that Solitaire '98 has been properly installed, you should be able to find it in your "Programs" menu (you should have verified this as part of the installation process.) Microsoft recommends that you shut down all other programs that may be running on the system before starting Solitaire '98. To start the game, simply select it from the "Programs" menu. If the game does not start within five to seven minutes of selection, you may need to upgrade to the latest version of Microsoft Office to ensure that your system has the proper DLLs that Solitaire needs. For game rules, refer to the .HLP files for the Windows 3.1 version of Solitaire. If you don't have these files, you can purchase them online from Microsoft at very competitive rates. Coming Soon:Minesweeper '99!Watch this space.[ snip millions of blank lines inserted to balloon README file up to Microsoft mandatory one-megabyte minimum file size. ]
Microsoft renames itself
|NewsflashMicrosoft today announced that it will be changing its name to "Moft" -- which will clear up space on user's hard disks. It is estimated that a typical Windows 95 installation contains about 2,800,000 copies of the word "Microsoft", in copyright notices, end-user licence agreements, 'About' screens, etc. So, after the change, a user will have about 14 MBytes more disk space. Stock prices of hard-disk manufacturers dipped slightly after the announcement. "Well, the programs will take up less space on the user's disk," said Bill Gates, CEO of Moft. "But we have never cared about that. The change will allow us to ship Windows 95 on 13 disks instead of 14, thus saving about $50 million a year in media costs. We are also looking at shortening the names of some of our software products; for instance 'The Microsoft Exchange' may be changed to 'The Moft Pit'. Gates added that the junior programmer who discovered the potential savings has been rewarded with a free copy of 'Moft Off for Moft Win 95'. E-mail this joke to your friends!
Microsoft trademarks TM
|Microsoft Trademarks the Trademark Symbol By Vince Sabio HumourNet Communications, Ltd. REDMOND, Wash (UPI) - Software and marketing giant Microsoft Corporation (MSFT) announced today that it has purchased the rights to the well-known "trademark" symbol, formerly denoted as "tm" in most print media. The symbol is commonly used to identify commercial product names that have not yet been registered with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office. "It was a natural," commented John Schexnader, of Microsoft's Ministry of Information. "Several of us were sitting around after a board meeting a few months ago, and we were talking about what we should buy next. We were tossing around the idea of purchasing a country or two in South America, as kind of a follow-up to Sun Microsystems' trademark-infringement claim against The Island Formerly Known As Java, when it occurred to us that there are no countries named 'ActiveX.' We talked about changing the name of 'ActiveX' to 'Chile' or 'Brazil' -- which would also help distance it from all those recently-uncovered security holes -- when someone joked that we'd save a lot of time and effort in the long run if we'd just trademark the trademark symbol." Schexnader continued, "At first, we all just laughed -- but one look at Bill's face, and we knew we'd be on the phone with the Patent and Trademark Office in the morning." Microsoft hasn't wasted any time enforcing the new trademark. According Rue B. Goldberg, an attorney with Microsoft's Ministry of Litigation and Law Enforcement, "Use of the 'tm' symbol will now be restricted to Microsoft and its subsidiaries, like the Catholic Church." But companies wishing to use the '(tm)' symbol will not be left out in the cold; according to Goldberg, Microsoft has developed a new symbol, '(tMS)', to replace the now-restricted '(tm)' symbol. "Anyone will be able to use the new symbol, royalty-free," states Goldberg, "though Microsoft reserves the right to charge for its use in the future." Response to the announcement was varied. Apple Computer CEO Gil Amelio vowed to take the issue to court, stating, "Apple Computer developed the technology for the trademark symbol more than ten years ago," but refused to give any details on the exact nature of the lawsuit. Meanwhile, Times-Mirror Publishing, Ziff-Davis, the L.A. Times, the N.Y. Times, CNN, the Washington Post, Newsweek, and Kathy Lee Gifford all agreed that it was a landmark move. According to William Spangler, Electronics and Pet Food Editor for the Boston Globe, "[Microsoft's] recent acquisition of the trademark symbol will benefit computer users worldwide. It's a technological breakthrough. As always, the rest of the computer industry is just struggling to play catch-up." So, what does the future hold for Microsoft and its latest acquisition? Microsoft Ministry of Information spokeswoman Alice Gilbert says that Microsoft is moving quickly on similar purchases. "Our next [acquisition] will be the 'service mark' symbol. We already have the paperwork in place for it." Gilbert stated that the new symbol would be 'sMS', following the trend set by the new trademark symbol. "It's a natural for us," concluded Gilbert. But apparently, the sky is not the limit at Microsoft. "We'd also looked into acquiring the rights to the 'registered' trademark symbol, but several representatives from the Ministry of Technology determined that doing so would lead to an infinite loop in the trademark registry -- and the only place where we permit infinite loops is in our software. Our standards are very high here at Microsoft." But that fact has not deterred the software and marketing giant. "Instead, we're looking into purchasing the entire Patent and Trademark Office," stated Schexnader. No one at the Patent and Trademark Office could be reached for comment Tuesday. Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio, HumourNet Communications Ltd. All Rights Reserved; permission is hereby granted to forward or post "Microsoft Trademarks the Trademark Symbol," provided that the by-line (above) and this copyright statement are included.
Waiting on a long line
|The checkout line at the hardware store was getting longer and longer as the clerk labored to get the new cash register to cooperate.At one point she wailed "Oh no, NOW what do I do ? It just rang up sixty-four thousand, five hundered seventy four dollars in sales tax on a ten-dollar sale !"Suprisingly, the customers in front of me didn't seem too upset by the delay.Some even chuckled sympathetically. It wasn't until I got near the front of the line that I saw the neatly hand-lettered sign in front of the register: WE ARE CURRENTLY DOING BATTLE WITH OUR NEW COMPUTER FOR CONTROL OF THE STORE---WE APPRECIATE YOUR PATIENCE.
New product cuts stress
|From "Machine Design" Magazine......Byte BatAll too often, computers aren't up when you need them, or some sort of system error costs you a lot of time and effort. Hitting a computer or terminal with anything substantial can be satisfying, but expensive. That's where the Byte Bat comes in.It is a foam rubber baseball bat, 17 in. long, that may give you a harmless but satisfying way in which to "strike back" at computers.Specially designed to serve as a frustration shunt, the Byte Bat is compatible with all computers and operating systems, making it the first universally compatible foamware. Each Byte Bat comes with a complete user's manual, one genuine "Byte Bat User Button," one multi-color poster showing the device in use, and a warning decal that advises all who approach that "This computer-friendly liveware is protected by Byte Bat."
Windows 98 hourly tweaks
|11th-hour tweaks for Windows '98 by Microsoft10. Included subliminal "Impeach Janet Reno" messages in start-up screen. 9. New Internet Explorer feature: whenever you visit a Web site ending in ".gov," a message first appears reminding you that Microsoft is not a monopoly. 8. Source code no longer ones and zeros--try 666s and zeros. Windows start-up theme, played backward, says, Here's to my sweet Satan." 7. Comes with check for $50 that, if cashed, puts your name on an Internet petition telling the DOJ to buzz off *and* changes your long distance carrier to AT&T. 6. New desktop icon--click once, and $1 will go directly from your checking account into the Microsoft Legal Defense Fund. 5. Added new template to preinstalled version of Word: "Letter to the editor expressing delight with Microsoft products." 4. Freebie computer-controlled Barney doll has been reprogrammed to say, "Big government is sca-a-ary. Janet tried to hurt me." 3. TV function scrambles C-Span during antitrust hearings. 2. Desktop display with countdown tracking number of copies of Windows 98 that must yet be bought to prevent worldwide economic collapse! 1. Last-minute name change: was "Windows 98," now "Windows: Assimilate."
A letter to the editors
|LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)Dear Sir,I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or to the office, We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry.
The system crash song
|SYSTEM CRASH (to the tune of "The Monster Mash") I was working in the lab, late one nightWhen my eyes beheld an eerie sight,Some smoke from our VAX began to riseAnd suddenly, to my surprise... [chorus](There was a crash) There was a system crash(A mighty crash) I heard the disk heads smash(A system crash) It came down in a flash(There was a crash) A fatal system crash The lab manager then appeared from his room,Said: "I don't want to be a prophet of doom,But we had one like this just the other dayWhich blew up 4 megs and the SBA"[chorus] The system had just been booted, diagnosticshad all run through, When a power fluck made itall run amuck, then SCOTTY and IRVING blew tooSo we'd lost all our VAXes in less than one nightWhen a VP came in and said: "hey, that's all right,I'll loan you a Venus - here's what to doWhen you call up Support, tell them Gordon sent you...[chorus]
Changing number terms
|In a recent contest in The Washington Post, readers were asked to take an expression using a number, add or subtract one, and create a new definition: The Year 2001 Problem: How to find jobs for all those programmers hired to solve the Year 2000 problem. Catch-23: Complete the previous catch before proceeding to this step. Fortune 501: Levi Strauss makes the list, but just by the seat of its pants. Motel 5: If you're not there by midnight, they turn off the light. Dressed to the Eights: Impeccably attired with white socks. Six Brides for Seven Brothers: Someone's gonna get hurt ! Snow White and the Eight Dwarfs: The title, before they expelled Gassy. Five Eyes: Other kids can be so cruel when you are Siamese twins, and one of you is wearing a monocle. 665: The mark on the forehead of Satan's slightly less evil brother, Ralph.
Purchasing furniture
|I work as a systems administrator, and part of m job involves answering questions about computers. I generally like my job, but sometimes it gets on my nerves. When people ask me what I find so irritating, this is what I tell them:Imagine that you are a salesperson for Ikea (substitute "furniture store" if you don't know what "Ikea" is). You get a phone call that goes like this.Customer: I'd like to buy a kitchen table.You: That's fine; we have many styles of kitchen tables, I'm sure you can find one you like.C: I need one that's 3 feet by 5 feet and has a butcher block top.Y: Yes, we have a table like that. You can pick it up today.C: OK, how can I get it back to my house?Y: Well, it comes disassembled, so you can just put it on a roof rack. We can loan you a roof rack if you don't have one.C: But how do get there?Y: We're just off exit 25 of the Turnpike. Where are you coming from?C: Wait, wait, you're going way too fast for me. I have a Ford in my driveway, and the keys are in my hand. What do I do next?And, whatever you say at this point, the response is always the same:C: But all I want is a kitchen table! Why does it have to be so *COMPLICATED*!
Fixing broken computers
|An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced.He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it."About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.
I have a keyboard error
|A person turned on the computer without a keyboard plugged in.When she turns on the computer, the computer finds out that there is no keyboard attached and it gives a "Keyboard Error" message.She then asks "Why did it give me a keyboard error?There isn't even a keyboard attached?
Type what I tell you
|While trying to diagnose a problem over the phone I told the user to type out his autoexec.bat file.He said it said "File not found".I told him to do a dir.I asked him if he saw autoexec.bat listed.He said, "Well it says autoexec, then there's some spaces, but no dot, and then it says bat."I said type this in "type autoexec.bat".Again he got "File not found".I asked him to tell me exactly what he typed.He said, "I typed just what you told me: `type autoexecdotbat'.
Oh the Internet is slow
|The Net is SlowOh, the network outside is frightful,But on campus, it's so delightful,Our packets have nowhere to go,Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.It doesn't show signs of stopping,All our packets, our hosts are dropping;Bandwidth is turned way down low,Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.When we finally connect to a site,It's time to go back to the dorm;But if I could stay here all night,I could submit their Web form.The network is slowly dying,And, I fear, we're still denying,But as long as Sprint is the way to go,Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.
Life cycle of software
|The Life Cycle of SoftwareProgrammer produces code he believes is bug-free. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs. See 3. See 4. See 5. See 6. See 7. See 8. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely pre-mature product announcement based on over-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released. Users find 137 new bugs. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free. See step 2
Computer acronyms list
|Humorous Computer-Related AcronymsIBM I Blame Microsoft Idiots Buy Me Idiots Building Machines I'll Buy Macintoshes It Bit Me It Built Microsoft It's Better Manually I've Been Mislead I've Been Mugged WINDOWS Well, It Never Does Operate With Speed When I Need Data Output Without Speed While Idle, Needs DX or WorkStation Will Install Needless Data On Whole System WIN Whoppingly Immense NOP Worm Infestation Netware MS-WINDOWS NT / WINDOWS NT My Solitaire With Its New De-accelerator, Only With Some Network Technology Well Intended, Netword De-accelerator, Only Works Sometimes, Never Totally WINDOWS (as a) Network Trojan Different Operating Systems ExpectationsMacintosh: What You See Is What You Get MS-DOS: You Asked For It, You Got It UNIX: IfUHv2sk, UDntWnt2Kno VMS: You Got It, All Of It, Want It Or Not Random Abbreviations for Many Computer CompaniesAPPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity DEC: Dump Everything and Close DEC: Do Expect Cuts HCL: Hilarious Computer Logic HP: Hot Pursuit IBM: I Blame Microsoft MAC: Most Absurd Computer MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers NEXT: Now EXchange for Trash OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too. WARP: What A Rot Program Acronymns for Other Computer Terms:AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language DOS: Defective Operating System ISDN: It Still Does Nothing LISP: Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics SCSI: System Can't See It WWW: World Wide Wait
What movies teach us
|COMPUTERS & ELECTRONICS:As depicted in movies,Word processors never display a cursor. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences. All monitors display inch-high letters. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English. Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see "Fortress"). All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function (see "Demolition Man" and countless others). Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three- dimensional,active animation, photo-realistic graphics capability. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face (see "Alien", "2001").
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