Drunks
The Eighteen Bottles
The Eighteen Bottles I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by mywife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, orelse... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. Iwithdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down thesink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew thecork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exceptionof one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the thirdbottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled thecork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down theglass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next anddrank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled thesink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then Icorked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, countedthe glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which weretwenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally Ihad all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under theaffluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk asyou might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and thedrunker I stand here, the longer I get.
After a long pubcrawl...
After a long pubcrawl those two guys discuss wether the moon is red orgreen. Since they can't come to a conclusion they go searching a cop. Finally they find one and ask him: "Please, officcccer, could you tell usif the moon is red or green?" The cop looks up and asks back: "The left or the right one?"
A fellow decides to take off early from work...
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went tobed.The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom."Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?""I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers.""A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?""What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?""Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
Two friends were out drinking...
Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor. "One thing about Jim," his buddy said to the bartender, "he knows when to stop."
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy...
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy askingwhat time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk.About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even=drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks."Same time as before... Noon," replies the clerk.Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, Ican have room service send something up to you.""No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
Three guys were talking one morning about how drunk they were...
Three guys were talking one morning about how drunk they were at this party they were at the night before. 1st guy: Man, I was so drunk that last night I got home and blew chunks. 2nd guy: Oh yeah? Well, I was so drunk that on the way home I was pulled over and given a DUI! 3rd guy: That's nothing. I was so drunk that on the way home I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed! 1st guy: No, no.. you guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog.
The sex talk
A drunk goes into a bar sits down and says hey hey bartender can we talk about politics The bartender says ?IF THERE IS ONE THING WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IN HERE IT'S POLITICS?. A little while later hey bartender can we talk about religon. Again the bartender says" IF THERE'S ONE THING WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IN HERE IT'S RELIGON". Then again we hear hey bartender can we talk about sex. The bartender says SURE. The drunk says good............fuck you!
This guys is sitting at the end of a bar...
This guys is sitting at the end of a bar. Each time someone comes in the door he says, rapidly,"Tickle your ass with a feather?" At which point they usually ask him what it was he said, and he then says, "Terribly nasty weather." They then go off looking confused. A drunk a few stools down observes this and finally says, "Say, buddy, I see what'cher doin'-- you're putting people on! When somebody comes in the door you say, Tickle your ass with a feather, and when they say, What did you say to me? you say, terribly nasty weather." So the guy says to the drunk, "Yeah, it's fun putting people on. Come on down here and you do the next one that comes in." The drunk moves down to the end of the bar. In a few moments a person enters, and he says to her: "Stick a feather up your ass? She said, ?excuse me, what did you say?? He says, ?can you believe this fucking weather?
Little old Mr. Ravelli is on his front stoop...
Little old Mr. Ravelli is on his front stoop, barbequeing a chicken on a manual rotisserie. A drunk comes walking along and says, "Hey, man...the music stopped, and your monkey's on fire."
Warning labels
If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter! WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember). WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really huge biker guy named "Big Al".
A rather novel way to...
A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikies, one with his fingers up the bum of the other. "So what's going on here?" he asks. The bikie replies "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit." The cop says "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT!" The bikie replies "That's what I'm going to do next!"
The modest man is in the hospital for a series of test...
The modest man is in the hospital for a series of test. One of the lasttest has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to thebathroom he decided the latest was another. He completely filled his bedup with human waste and was embarrased beyond anything he could possiblyface. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bedsheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking bythe hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussingand swinging his arms which drew the attention of the security guard.The security guard ask:"What's going on?" To which the drunk replied: "I just beat the shit outof a ghost."
A pizza was waiting in the stomach to be digested...
A pizza was waiting in the stomach to be digested,then suddenly a whiskey came along. Pizza thought:"Ok.I'll let him pass, there's no hurry. Two minutes lateranother whiskey comes by and pizza let him pass too, buttwo minutes later when the next one got there, pizza stopedhim:"What's going on out there?" it asked. "Why, there's aparty going on!! It's great! They're having the most fun!!"the whiskey replied.And pizza said: "Great, I'll go check it out!"
One day, a Smartie and a Polo were having a drink in the pub...
One day, a Smartie and a Polo were having a drink in the pub.Suddenly the pub door swings open and in walks a Humbug.?Fuck me? shouts Polo, and immediately dives under the table.?What the fuck are you doing that for?? says Smartie.?That humbug always gives me a right good kicking whenever I seehim, so I?m hiding from him? says Polo.?You should stand up to him? says Smartie. ?He?ll respect you moreif you do?Sure enough, the humbug walks over and gives the Polo a right slap.?Fuck off you stripy wanker, or I?ll knock the fucking shit out ofyou? says Polo.?Hey, no problem man, can I buy you a drink? says Humbug.?Told you so? says Smartie.The next night Polo and Smartie are sitting in the pub again, when inwalks Humbug with his mate, Tune.?Fuck me? shouts Polo again diving under the table.?What the fuck are you doing that for again? says Smartie.?I know you said stand up to bullies, but thats Tune? says Polo.?So what?? says Smartie.?He?s fucking menthol? says Polo.sent by Steve Butler
Out of the Greek Myths
The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek god of wine, had thrown a party for a pair of visiting Roman deities -- Ceres, the goddess of agriculture, and Janus, the two-faced god of doors and beginnings. Everyone overdid it, more or less. Ceres at one point was staggering and turning in circles; Janus, equally submerged, was trying to dance with her. Bacchus feared that the pair might fall over, so he went to steady them. .... This marked the first time that a whirled Ceres was held with a double-header.
What is a breathanalyzer?
"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool."Well, I'd have to say it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent."Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years and years now!"
A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way...
A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way downa one-way street when a policeman pulled him over. "Didn'tyou see the arrow, buddy?" he asked."An arrow?" the confused driver said. "I didn't even see theIndians
There was a drunk man walking down the street turning...
There was a drunk man walking down the street turninghis car keys back and forth. A policeman came up to him and asked, "Sir, what are you doing?" The drunk replied, "I am looking for my car, the last time I sawit, it was on the end of these keys." The police officer said, "Sir, do you know your zipper is down?" The drunk replied, "Shit, I lost my wife, too!"
A somewhat drunk man feels a...
A somewhat drunk man feels a bald man's head and says,"Say, your head feels just like my wife's ass."The bald man feels his own head and says with a grin,"You know, you're right!"
A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut...
A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut througha graveyard. It is raining heavily and very dark. The drunkfails to see an open grave and falls into it. He tries toclimb out of it, but it is too deep and the rain has turnedthe dirt to mud and has made it too slippery to climb. Hegives up after a while and decides to spend the night there. A while later, another drunk leaves the same bar anddecides to take the same shortcut through the graveyard. He,too, falls into that open grave and tries to climb out butthe mud is too slippery. The first drunk is still sittingthere and watches as the other drunk tries but fails to getout. The first drunk stands up, taps the second drunk on theshoulder and tells him, "You'll never get out!". He did.
0 1 Next >>