Elderly
A use for Viagra
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital. "How are you grandpa?" he asks."Feeling fine," says the old man."What's the food like?""Terrific, wonderful menus.""And the nursing?""Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you.""What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?""No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light."The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?""Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him rolling out of bed."
Perfectly good eyesight
Two really old guys decided they would go out and try to play a round of golf together. They get on the first tee and the first old guy says to the second, "My eyesight isn't what it used to be. Can you watch my ball for me?".The second guy says, "Sure! I see fine. Go ahead and hit."So the first old man steps up to the tee and really hits it. He turns to his buddy and says, "Did you see it?"."Sure!", says his buddy."Where did it go?", the first guy asks. The second old man thinks for a minute and says, "I can't remember."
An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years...
An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again -- the strain would be too much. The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation. This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs -- she's coming downstairs, he's heading up. "Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide." "I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"
What's the best thing about turning 65?
What's the best thing about turning 65?No more calls from insurance salesmen.
Can't do
"What's wrong, sonny?" asked the old timer sympathetically, coming overto the little kid who was sitting on the curb, crying his heart out."I'm crying 'cause I can't do what the big boys do!" So the old man sat down and wept too.
Amicable old lady
"Dear Reyer School, God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful. She asked if she could listen to mine, so naturally I told her to go fuck herself. Sincerely, Edna Johnston"
Abe Lincoln
An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phoney beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?""Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life." "But you look like Abe Lincoln," protested the barkeep."That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home...
An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into thenurses' office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died.Nurse Jones, realizing the Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to playalong with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied.Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing homewith his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said,"Mr.Smith I thought you told me your penis died"."It did" he replied; "today is the viewing"
Take in a boarder
An elderly man tells the Doctor he is planning on marrying a women of 30, and would he have any suggestions."Yes," says the Doctor, "I would advise you to take in a boarder."A year later at his 80th year check-up, the Doctor asks how everything is going. He says fine his wife is pregnant.The Doctor remarks: "so you took my advise and took in a boarder?""Yes I did, is the reply, and she's pregnant also....."
A peculiar dress
Nancy & Betty, and Jim & Tom were in the old people's home. Nancy & Betty thought Jim & Tom weren't getting enough excitement so they decided to run naked past Jim & Tom's room. Later that night they did just that.Jim looked at Tom and said, "Did you see that? What in the hell were Nancy & Betty wearing?" "I don't know, but whatever it was, it sure needed ironing."
Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic...
Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV. When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said,"Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!"
Joe still enjoyed chasing girls when he got to be 70...
Joe still enjoyed chasing girls when he got to be 70.When his wife was asked if she minded, she answered, "Why should I be upset? Dogs chase cars, but they can't drive."
How do you get four old ladies to say the F word?
How do you get four old ladies to say the F word?Have the fifth one say.... BINGO!
A little old lady walked into the bank...
A little old lady walked into the bank, cashed a small check, and started out. Passing the armed guard, she smiled and said, "You can go home now."
An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by...
An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by anddeposits a poopy little present on the woman's head. "Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper." "What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."
A young boy was visiting his grandfather's farm...
A young boy was visiting his grandfather's farm whenone day he walks out behind the barn and sees hisgrandfather playing with himself.The boy says, "What are you doing grandpa, jacking off?"Grandpa replies, "No sonny, just jacking!"
Willy's rolling down the hall of a retirement home...
Willy's rolling down the hall of a retirement home actinglike he's driving a car, an orderly turns the corner andasks Willy what he's doing.Willy replies, "I'm going to Chicago for the weekend."The orderly chuckles and enters Bob's room to check on him.He catchs Bob pleasuring himself, when asked what he is doing,Bob replies,"I'm screwing Willy's old lady while he's awayin Chicago."
This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on...
This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.His wife said, "Where are you going ?"He said, "I'm going to the doctor."And she said, "Why? Are you sick?""No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweaterand he said, "Where are you going?"She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."He said, "Why?"She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thingagain, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."
A hearing problem
An elderly man thinking his wife was losing her hearing went about20' behind her and asked "Can you hear me sweetheart"?. No reply. Moved to 10' and inquired again. No reply. 5' and not a word. A few inches behind ear, he asked "Can you hear me now honey"? His wife said "For the fourth time, yes."
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship...
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holdingher hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind.A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do notintend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowingup in this high wind?""Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat.""But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!"said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down,then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down thereis 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
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