Foreigners
What goes in and out and smells of piss?
What goes in and out and smells of piss?The Queen Mother
What is brown and has holes in it?
What's brown and has holes in it? - Swiss Shit.
An Indian gentleman on his first visit to the USA...
An Indian gentleman on his first visit to the USA visited the foreignexchange to exchange some Rupees. He handed to the cashier 100,000Rpsand after a quick calculation on the calculator, was given $50.45 witha typical "service" smile and "Have a nice day!"The Indian promptly spent this and returned the next day with anotherwad of Rupees. He handed the same cashier 100,000Rps and put his handout for his $50.45, instead he received $48.78.He questiond bitterly Ooh! vy less !!??" Whereupon the cashier replied"Fluctuations!"He screamed back "FLUCK YOU AMERICANS, TOO!" I'm going back to Delhi!!!
A roving reporter from the BBC was touring a remote part of...
A roving reporter from the BBC was touring a remote part of theScottish Highlands looking for material for a documentary aboutthe way of life there.REPORTER: Hello there, excuse me, I'm from the BBC and I'm gathering material for a documentary about the way of life in the remote parts of the Scottish Highlands. You look like an interesting fellow, perhaps I could interview you? SCOTSMAN: Certainly... REPORTER: Well, perhaps you could start by telling me your name? SCOTSMAN: Well now there's a story. Y'know I deliver the mail round here, but do they call me Donald the Postman? No they don't. You see those fine crofts up on the hill there, well, I built more than half of them myself, but do they call me Donald the Croftbuilder? No, they don't. And did you pass the nets down in the harbour? Well, I made several of them, but do they call me Donald the Netmaker? No, they don't. But, I tell you, a moment's weakness with just ONE sheep ....
What do you call a Highlander with four sheep?
What do you call a Highlander with four sheep? A pimp
How do you play Iraqi bingo?
How do you play Iraqi bingo?F18...B52...F18Sent by Onky
Guns in a garden
An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long KeshPrison and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.The old man wrote to his son about it and received this reply. "ForHeavens SAKES, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried theGUNS!!!At 4 A.M. the next morning a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug upthe entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused the man wrote tohis son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next. Hisson's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."
Greedy Kiwi
This aussie caught this Kiwi having a bit of fun with a sheep....."Mate", the aussie said, "Over there we shear them".The kiwi replied, "Mate, I'm not shearing this with innyone"
What do you call four sheep tied to a post in Cardiff (Wales)?
What do you call four sheep tied to a post in Cardiff (Wales)? A leisure centre.
An American was waiting on a London street corner...
An American was waiting on a London street corner. Anattractive English girl was passing by when a gust ofwind blew her dress above her waist. "A bit airy, isn't it?" remarked the American. Hearing this, the Cockney girl replied indignantly,"'Ell yes! What did you expect - feathers?!"
A Pollock walks over the Red Light District in Amsterdam...
A Pollock walks over the Red Light District in Amsterdam when suddenlyhe notices a fine looking hooker looking at him.He stops, bangs on the window and says,"So, what does this cost ??!!".And the hooker replies,"25 dollars !!".And the Pollock said ,"Hmm, that's not a lot of money for insulatedwindows !!".
An American tourist is visiting China...
An American tourist is visiting China. After visiting all the tourist attractions he decides to inquire about the people and askes his guide:"How large is the population here?""Around 1.5 billion" -- the guide answersAmerican, After a short pause: "So, what else do you do here?"
A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast...
A 10pm curfew was imposed in BelfastEverybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot.However one citizen was shot at 9.45pm."Why did you do that?" the soldier was asked by his superior officer."I know where he lives," he replied, "and he wouldn't have made it."
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American...
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them." "That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
What do Israeli soldiers do when they get bored?
Q: What do Israeli soldiers do when they get bored?A: They go over to the West Bank & the Gaza Strip and get stoned.
What is the difference between a English actuary and...
What is the difference between a English actuary and a Sicilian actuary?An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next year. A Sicilian actuary can give you their names...
A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton...
A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge."Toilette pepper!"
Australia...
Australia.Where men are real menAnd sheep are scared shitlessAnd where the term 'Going Down Under' means something entirely different
I saw a pen in a store the other day...
I saw a pen in a store the other day. I picked it up and took a look at itcause it was prettier than most.The clerk said, "It's made in Germany".I said, "That's too bad, I can't use it then".The clerk said, "What's the matter? You don't like German pens?"I said, "No. I just never learned to write German."
A tourist, visiting a small town in Israel...
A tourist, visiting a small town in Israel, came upon a statue dedicated to "The Unknown Soldier". At the base of the statue, a sign was displayed: "Here lies Seymour Ruthenberg".The tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it possible an unknown had a name.The resident replied, "As a soldier, that Seymour was pretty much unknown, but as an accountant-Oy! He was something."
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