Legal
On visting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospital...
On visting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospital, his friend found himsitting up in the bed, frantically leafing through the bible "What areyou doing?" asked the friend. "Looking for loopholes," repied the lawyer.
The dog and the butcher
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to aneighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer. Incensedat the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, "Hey,if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liablefor the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how muchwas the roast?" "$7.98." A few days later the butcher received acheck in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read:"Legal Consultation Service: $150."
The first client
A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxiousto impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to hisoffice come through the door, he immediately picked up his phoneand spoke into it," I am sorry, but my workload is so tremendousthat I am not going to be able to look into your problem for atleast a month. I shall have to get back to you then." He then turnedto the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do foryou?" "Nothing," replied the man. "I am here to hook up your phone."
A really cold morning
Two men are meeting on the street."It was very cold this morning.""How cold was it?"I do not no exactly, but I saw a lawyerwith his hands in his own pockets."
Marrying and divorcing in Heaven
It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married,but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got toheaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them toget married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life,and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it andagreed, but said they would have to wait.It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent forthem. They were married in a simple ceremony. So things wenton, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time,that eternity was best not spent together. They went back toSt. Peter, and said: "We thought we would be happy forever, butnow we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is thereany way we can get divorced?" "Are you kidding?" said St. Peter."It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marryyou. I will never get a lawyer!"
A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven...
A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven,but not at all happy with his accommodations.He complained to St. Peter, who told him that hisonly recourse was to appeal his assignment. Thelawyer immediately advised that he intended toappeal, but was then told that he would be waitingat least three years before his appeal could beheard. The lawyer protested that a three-year waitwas unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears.The lawyer was then approached by the devil, whotold him that he would be able to arrange an appealto be heard in a few days, if the lawyer was willingto change venue to Hell. The lawyer asked: "Why canappeals be heard so much sooner in Hell?"The devil answered: "We have all of the judges."
Why do they bury lawers 26 feet underground?
Why do they bury lawers 26 feet underground?Because deep down, they are really nice guys.
Question: What is 1 + 2?
Question: What is 1 + 2 ?Politician: Well, if you look at the seasonally adjusted figures,you'll find that it's reasonably in line with government predictions.Physicist: I won't tell you until you tell me what you want to use it for.Lawyer: It makes one and a half each.
45 or 82?
Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gatesof Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting along time for you.""What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life.Why did I have to die now?""45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel."Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy.I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate.""Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disspeared inside. Aftera few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82.I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."
Whats the difference between a bunch of lawyers in a porche...
Whats the difference between a bunch of lawyers in a porcheand a porcupine? - A porcupine has pricks on the outside!
What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a pig?
What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a pig? Nothing, there's some things even a pig won't do!
A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner...
A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.The attorney asks, "Before you signed thedeath certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" The coroner says, "No." The attorney then asks, "Did you listen for a heart beat?" "No." "So when you signed the death certificate you had not takenany steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?" The corner, now tired of the brow beating says, "Well, let meput it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on mydesk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing lawsomewhere."
How are lawyers like sperm?
How are lawyers like sperm? One out of a million turns out to be a human being.
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his...
For three years, the young attorney had been taking hisbrief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'dfinally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged hissuitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.There sat his lover with an infant in her lap!"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you werepregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, wecould have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!""Well," she said, "when my folks found out about mycondition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' anddecided it would be better to have a bastard in thefamily than a lawyer!"
An airliner was having engine trouble...
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructedthe cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats andget prepared for an emergency landing.A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants ifeveryone was buckled in and ready."All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except onelawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."
What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman.
At a jury trial with the jury consisting of 8 men and 4 women...
At a jury trial with the jury consisting of 8 men and 4 women:Defendant: "Your Honor, I wish to change my plea."Judge: "Is someone using undue influence to prompt you to change your mind?"Defendant: "No sir, when I pleaded Not Guilty I didn't know there would be women on the jury. Since I can't even fool my wife, I'll never be able to fool the four women jurors."
A guy walks into a post office...
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing atthe counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with heartsall over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all overthem.His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man andasks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cardssigned, 'Guess who?'""But why?" asks the man."I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
An old man was critically ill...
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?""It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?""That's my business! Get me the course!"Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?"In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer . . ."
A man walks into a friend and sees...
A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's caris total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches,dirt and blood. He asks his friend,"What's happened to your car?""Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer"."OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?""Well, I had to chase him all through the park."
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