Miscellaneous
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
What did the egg say to the boiling water?"I just got laid and now you want me to get hard?!"Sent by Sarah
An artist asked the gallery owner...
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.""That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?""The guy was your doctor."
Cheap widow
A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituaryfor her recently deceased husband is published. After the editorinforms her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word, shepauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read 'Fred Browndied'." Confounded at the woman's thrift, the editor stammers that there is a7-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again, counts onher fingers and replies, "In that case, 'Fred Brown died: 1983 Pick-upfor sale'."
A man moves into a nudist colony...
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letterfrom his mother asking him to send her a current photoof himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to lether know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts aphoto in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another letter asking him to send apicture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picturein half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of thephoto. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent thewrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother'seyesight is, and hopes she won't notice. A few weekslater he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says,"Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...itmakes your nose look short!"
What's the difference between a policeman's knightstick and...
Q: What's the difference between a policeman's knightstickand a magician's wand?A: A Magician's wand is for cunning stunts.
How do you tell two KKK members apart?
How do you tell two KKK members apart?Ask their wife. After all, she's their mother....
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?A: A quarter-pounder with cheese.
What would Princess Diana be doing right...
Q: What would Princess Diana be doing right now if she were alive today?A: Scratching on the lid of her casket.
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy...
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?A pool table.
A woman goes into a bar and orders a beer...
A woman goes into a bar and orders a beer. She grabs the beer and tips it down the back of her skirt. The barman looks amazed as she orders another and again tips it down her skirt.Finally, the barman says: "Why are you tipping your drinks down your skirt?""Well," the chick replies, "I've just won the lottery and this is the only arsehole I'm shouting!"
What is the rallying cry of the International Dyslexic Pride movement?
What is the rallying cry of the International Dyslexic Pride movement? Dyslexics Untie!
Why are there so many Jones's in the phone book?
Why are there so many Jones's in the phone book? Because they all have phones.
A pedophile dies in a car crash and goes to heaven...
A pedophile dies in a car crash and goes to heaven. He's stopped atthe pearly gates by St. Peter, who is really miffed:"You swine. How can you have the audacity to try and enter heaven afteryou have lead such a perverted, ungodly life. Do you think you have asnowballs chance in hell of meeting god?""Fuck God... I'm after the baby Jesus."
There were these three morticians talking about...
There were these three morticians talking about their greatest feats. The first one says, "I had this soldier who stepped on a land mine. Took me three days to get him ready for an open casket funeral!!" The next guy says, "oh yeah? I had this construction worker fall 15 stories, then he got run over by a steam roller, but I had him ready for an open casket funeral in two days!!!" The third guy sulks in the corner, "man. both y'all got me beat. I had this lady parachutist who landed on the empire state building. it took me four days just to get the grin off her face."
Have you ever wondered why you wonder why?
Have you ever wondered why you wonder why?I used to wonder why, but now I don't wonder why I wonder why.I wonder why I don't wonder why anymore?
What's brown and sticky?
What's brown and sticky?A stick.
A partially deaf gentleman was extolling the virtues...
A partially deaf gentleman was extolling the virtues of his new hearing aid. "It's marvelous," he enthused to a friend. "Since I acquired it I can hear the birds chirping on the hearth. I can also hear clearly a conversation being held in an apartment a full block away!""You don't say," said his friend. "What kind is it?"The proud owner consulted his wristwatch and answered, "Twenty minutes after two."
Silence
Father: Did Paul bring you home last night?Daughter: Yes, it was late. Daddy. Did the noise disturb you?Father: No, My Dear, it wasn't the noise. It was the silence.
Voodoo
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?A: We both do.Q: Voodoo?A: We do.Q: You do?A: Yes, voodoo.
What is your date of birth?
Q: What is your date of birth?A: July fifteenth.Q: What year?A: Every year.
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