Ouch
A young girl sees her father in the shower...
A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his testicles are. "Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life," he tells her, by way of poetic concealment.She tells this to her mother, who replies, "Did he say anything about that dead branch they're hanging on?"
The definition of a phallic symbol
This girl walks in to a doctors office and she asks "Whats a failic symbol?Doctor says "you're kidding.."Girl says "no! I don't know! Whats a failic symbol???"Doctor pulls his pants and underwear down and says "You see? This is afailic symbol!"Girl says "Oh! Its just like a penis, only smaller"
This guy walks in to a bathroom...
This guy walks in to a bathroom. There is a hole in the wall, and a signthat says "put your dick in here, we'll do what your wife does for you". Sothe guy puts his dick in there, and they sew a button on it.
Condom Modelling Rejection
Condom Modelling Rejection TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY 6969 Slippery Root Drive Droptrouser, NC 22269Dear John Doe,We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model and represent our product, TROJAN CONDOMS.Although your general appearance is not displeasing, our Board of Directors feels that your wearing of our product in the advertisement does not portray a positive, romantic image for our product. A loose baggy and wrinkled condom is NOT considered romantic.We did admire your efforts to try and firm it up by using Polygrip, but even then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like to note, however, that yours is the first we've seen that looked like a bicycle grip.We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time. We will retain your application for future consideration, if by chance we decide that there is a market for micro-mini condoms.We send greetings and our deepest sympathy.Yours very truly,Burley Dick, PresidentTROJAN CONDOM COMPANY, INC.VD/abcP.S. Remember our slogans:Cover your stump before you hump.Don't be silly, protect your Willie.Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it!
A man walks into a pub...
The following was contributed by Emil:A man walks into a pub, sits down at the bar, and says to the barman,"cor! I've just had my first blow-job and it was great! -- I'll have alarge whiskey please, barman." The man takes his whiskey and downs it. "Same again?" asks the barman. "Okay" says the man and downs the second. He then orders a third and a forth and downs them both.In fact in totalhe downs 27 whiskeys. "Do you want another?" asks the barman. "No I don't think so", says the man, "If 27 whiskeys won't take away the tasteI don't think that another one will!"
Paying bills
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a prettygirl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?""Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk."That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."With expectation and anticipation written all over his face,the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, thenheld it out teasingly.The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little oldman standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro...
Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a$100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviouslymuch better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two'gotchas'."The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it.And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club memberswere amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100."What happened?" asked one of the members. "Well," said the pro, "I was teeingup for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his handbetween my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you evertried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"
Good fortune
A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG ! He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG ! So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock. The deep voice says: OPEN ! Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins. The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO ! Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino. The deep voice says: ROULETTE ! So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief. The deep voice says: 27 ! He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball. The ball stops at the 26. The deep voice says: SHIT !
The blind date had not been all that great and...
The blind date hadn't been all that great and she was relieved the evening was finally over. At her apartment door, he suddenly said "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?" Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any. She glanced down and said, "Nice design, does it also come in men's sizes ?
Mirror, mirror
Mirror, mirror A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty four". Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her boobs grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what has happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says: "Mirror mirror on the door, make my "manhood" touch the floor!". Again, there's a bright flash and both his legs fall off.
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar...
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
A caring son
It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up." "That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Aw, come on," the farmer insisted. "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish !" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon."
I walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar...
I walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar the other night and said, "Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?"She said, "Do you like sex?"I said, "Of course I like sex."She said, "Do you like to travel?"I said, "Yeah, I love to travel."She said, "Then fuck off."
The guy leered at the babe at the yacht-club...
The guy leered at the babe at the yacht-club. "Hey, baby, would you help me 'raise my mast'?""No thanks," she said sweetly. "I heard about you from your ex and she included a 'small craft' warning."
Changed my mind!
This bloke picks up woman at the local pub. They go for a romanticwalk down the street. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll hislustful desires rise to a fever pitch.He is just about to put the hard word on her when she says, "I hope you don'tmind but I'm busting to have a piss".Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK whydon't you go behind these bushes".She nods in agreement and disappears behind the bushes.As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rollingdown her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed.Unable to contain himself for another moment, he reaches througha gap in the foliage, his hand touching her leg. He quickly brings hishand further up her thigh until suddenly he finds himself gripping a long,thick appendage hanging between her legs.He shouts in horror "My God, don't tell me your really a bloke!"."No" she replies", "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead."
A really bad, terrible mistake
Fred goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I want to be castrated." Doc says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into orwhat your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation." Fred: "Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a littleembarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here.Will you do it?" Doc says, "Well, OK, I guess I could make this one exception. I don't understand it, but OK." He puts Fred to sleep, does the trick, and is waiting at thebedside when Fred wakes up. "Well, Doc, how'd it go?" Fred asks. "It went fine, just fine. It's really not too difficult of anoperation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task, and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was operating, I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I wentahead and did that, too. I think, it's really better for a man to becircumcised, and I hope you don't mind my..." "CIRCUMCISED!" yells Fred. "THAT'S the word!!!"
A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts...
A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman I know intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher. "don't worry, ya ," he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping." Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."
It finally dawned
"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he setthe man's broken leg."Well, doc, 25 years ago ...""Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.""Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on thefarm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautifuldaughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.I said no, everything is fine. "Are you sure?", she asked. "I'm sure,I said. "Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know."I reckon not" I replied ..."Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?""Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me whatshe meant, I fell off the roof!"
Ashamed
Two men and a woman were the sole survivors of a pleasure cruise shipthat sank in the Bermuda Triangle. They made it to an uninhabited island.Two weeks later the woman jumped off a cliff because she was so ashamedof what she was doing.Two weeks after that the two men buried her because they were so ashamedof what they were doing.Two more weeks passed by and the men dug her up again--being so ashamedof what they were doing.
The third wish
A young man fell in a pit one day, and found a magic lamp with a genie inside of it. The genie said, 'I will grant you three wishes.' The man's first wish was to get out of the pit. **POOF** He was instantly transported out. He then wished for all the gold in the world. **POOF** The genie gave him all the gold nuggets in the world, all the gold bars, all the gold pebbles, etc. The man could not think of anything for his third wish, so he went out for a ride in his Ferrari. He turned on the radio, and after a few minutes, his favorite song came on. He decided to sing along: 'Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner...'
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