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Politics

New Chemical Element Discovered

New Chemical Element Discovered The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered byinvestigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentativelynamed administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomicnumber of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic massof 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves thecontinuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can bedetected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes onereaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normallyoccurred in less than a second.Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at whichtime it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in whichassistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after eachreorganization.Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturallyin the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such asgovernment agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually befound in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level ofconcentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it isallowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratiumcan be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are notpromising.

Bill of No Rights by Lewis W. Napper

Bill of No Rights by Lewis W. Napper We, the sensible of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone getalong, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep ournation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-freeliberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try onemore time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for theterminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional, and other liberal, commie, pinkobedwetters.We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people wereconfused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of NoRights.You do not have the right to a new car, big-screen color TV or any otherform of wealth.More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeinganything.You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based onfreedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leavethe room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the worldis full of idiots, and probably always will be.You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriverin your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturerto make you and all of your relatives independently wealthy.You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the mostcharitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but weare quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation ofprofessional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation ofanother generation of professional couch potatoes.You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but fromthe looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap,rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest ofus get together and kill you.You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat,or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprisedif the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you stillwon't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.You do not have the right to demand that our children risk their lives inforeign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governmentsand won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like.However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spendso much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a militaryuniform and a funny hat.You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have one,and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to takeadvantage of the opportunities in education and vocational training laidbefore you to make yourself useful.You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that youhave the right to pursue happiness -- which, by the way, is a lot easierif you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created bythose around you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.Copyright #169; Lewis W. Napper. All Rights Reserved.http://oscar.teclink.net/~napper napper@felix.TECLink.Net

Bill Clinton Statue Committee

Bill Clinton Statue Committee 1040 Waffle Street Little Rock, Arkansas 72208 Dear Friend;We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for the raisingof $5,000,000.00 for placing a statue of Bill Clinton in the Hall of Famein Washington, D.C.This committee was in a quandary as to where to place the statue. It wasnot wise to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who nevertold a lie, nor beside Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth, sinceBill Clinton could never tell the difference.We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatestdemocrat of all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not knowwhere he was, and returned not knowing where he had been. And he did itall on borrowed money.Over 3,000 years ago Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up yourshovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promisedland." Nearly 3,000 years later Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels,sit on your asses and light up a camel - this is the promised land."Now, Bill Clinton is going to steal your shovels, kick your asses, raisethe price of camels and mortgage the promised land. If you are one of thefortunate people who has anything left after paying taxes, we expect avery generous contribution to the worthwhile project.Fraternally,Bill Clinton Statue CommitteeP.S. It is said that BIll Clinton is considering changing the Democratic Party emblem from a donkey to a condom, because it stands for inflation, halts productivity, covers up a bunch of pricks, and it gives a false sense of security.

Democrats V. Republicans

Famous Quotes

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivateher class. She told them that she would read a quote and the firststudent to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest ofthe day off.She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzyinstantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill.""Congratulations," said the teacher, "you may go home early."The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you,but.." Before she could finish the quote, another young lady beltsout, "John F. Kennedy!""Very good," says the teacher, "you may go also."Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnnysaid, "I wish those girls would just shut up."Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to knowwho said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "BillClinton. I'll see you Monday."

The Math Test

The Math Test California officials have determined that students would probably do better with math word problems, if they could relate them to real life examples. Towards that end, may I present: The City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency ExamName:_______________________________ Gang:___________________________ 1.Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload? 2.Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it? 3.Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800-per-day crack habit? 4.Jarome want to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need? 5.Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4X4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs, 3 4X4s, how many Chevies will he have to steal to make $800? 6.Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $425 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison, and how many years is he likely to get for killing the bitch that spent his money? 7.If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 cans of paint? 8.Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up? 9.Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets $234 a month welfare for each child. If her $325 per month rent goes up 15%, how many more children should she have to keep up with her expenses? 10.Salvador was arrested for dealing crack & his bail was set at $25,000. If he pays a bail bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how much money will he lose by jumping bail?

Shortest Book of the Month

Shortest Book of the Month:Ronald Reagan's "Memories"

Hillary Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, and Bill Clinton are sitting...

Hillary Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, and Bill Clinton are sitting in ahelicopter and Bill starts to think. He sits there for about 15 minutesand finally Hillary asks why he is looking so sad.He says, "I just was wondering what I could do for the poor countries.""Well " says Chelsea, "you could throw $100,000 out the window of thehelicopter. I'm sure that the poor will get some of it."He agrees that it's a good idea and he does.About 5 minutes later he starts thinking again.Hillary asks "Why do you still look so sad? You just threw $100,000 outthe window of the helicopter. That helped a lot of poor people."He says "I still feel like I didn't do enough."She says "Well, Bill, why don't you throw another $100,000 out thewindow? That should make a lot of people happy."Again he says it's a good idea and he does.A few moments later and again he looks unhappy and he says "I stilldon't think I've done enough."This time the helicopter pilot pipes up and says "Why don't you throwyourself out the goddamn window...that will make everyone in America happy."

President Clinton, returning from a campaign stop...

President Clinton, returning from a campaign stop in Arkansas, is climbing the steps to board Air Force One. Under each arm he is carrying a souvenir of his trip -- a live razorback. At the top of the jetway, he is met by the guard, a Marine sergeant, who issues a crisp salute."I'd salute you back, Sergeant," says the President, "but as you can see, I've got my hands full.""Yes, sir," replies the sergeant. "Very nice pigs, sir. Very nice pigs.""Why, these aren't pigs," the President responds. "These are RAZORBACKS!""Yes, sir -- razorbacks. Sorry, sir.""Yup," Clinton continues. "Got this one for Chelsea, and this one for Hillary."The sergeant replies: "Very good trade, sir -- very good trade."

MICHAEL KENNEDY

MICHAEL KENNEDY What's the difference between John Denver and Michael Kennedy? John Denver made it alive out of Aspen. Has Elton John re-written any of his songs for Michael Kennedy? Not yet, but he's done one about the tree: "I'm Still Standing" How can you be sure that Michael was really a Kennedy? Check the family tree. A simple accident? Some witnesses insist there was a second tree at the snow-covered knoll... What do Michael and JFK Jr's magazine "George" have in common? Wood pulp. New bumper sticker...."Plant A Tree....Kill A Kennedy...." What will it take to reunite the four Kennedy brothers? A1: One more bullet. A2: A season lift pass.

A survey of American women...

In a survey of American women, when asked, "Would you sleep with President Clinton?" 86% replied, "Not again"

Prosecutor: Mr. Clinton, did you have an improper relationship...

Prosecutor: Mr. Clinton, did you have an improper relationship with Monica Lewinsky? Pres: Improper? ... Ain't nothing improper about that. That was one of the the sweetest interns I've ever had.

A logical question

If Kenneth Starr can extend his probe, what is wrong with Clinton doing the same?

In light of the latest allegations against President Clinton...

In light of the latest allegations against President Clinton, Woodward and Bernstein of Watergate fame are in negotiations with publishers to write a new book about the scandal. Working title: "All the President's Women."

A bumper sticker

Bumper sticker seen in Cambridge, Mass: "Re-elect President Gore in 2000"

Democrats on the front porch

This little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells,"Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democraton my front porch and he's playing with himself.""What?" the operator exclaimed. "I said there is a damn Democrat on myfront porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him andI'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated."Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?""Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwingsomebody!"

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight...

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. "Iam the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty."No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb."I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb."No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan."I've had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan."No, you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed amediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in theworld, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace,where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming "Iam the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so."In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty: "I amthe smallest person in the world, Merlin agrees."In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and ahalf later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell isBill Clinton?"

THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS....THAT PRESIDENT CLINTON SHOULD HAVE GIVEN

THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS....THAT PRESIDENT CLINTON SHOULD HAVE GIVEN "Members of Congress...People of America....I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy, which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas,and she'd be married to the President. So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good. Six years ago there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen.But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging Baseball player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House. Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate,smiling the whole time like his lithium drip just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausable deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House. Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from. Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter...unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential Limousine. Thank you, good night, and God Bless America.

Greetings prospective White House interns!

Greetings prospective White House interns! This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America's best and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the "Head Man" do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet! Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out: * Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of the hottest city in the world! * Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers! * See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you! * Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities! Sound like it's for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former intern: "I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president. ...Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic."- M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif. As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates and touchy national issues. Still interested? Fill out this information form and send it to the White House at [3]president@whitehouse.gov Name: Hometown: Sex: F__ Age: Measurements: (required for medical purposes) How many beers it takes to get you... ...Giggly: ...Drunk: ...Hot: ...To lie to a federal prosecutor:... You've always considered the White House: a) a monument to democracy b) the place where great leaders meet c) vaguely erotic d) extremely erotic Hillary Clinton is a(n): a) model wife and mother b) icon of late 20th century femininity c) an obstacle d) inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world You've always wanted to know more about the President's: a) Israeli policies b) childhood in Hope, Ark. c) romper room d) "monument to democracy" My social life as an intern would likely consist of: a) hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns b) reading, study c) late nights working at the White House d) late nights working the White House Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for each d. Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call soon, Uncle Sam wants you. *Please feel free to forward this form to anyone you know who might be interested in this program. The White House is an equal opportunity employer.

THE LAND OF OZ

THE LAND OF OZ Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich, and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car together in the Midwest, when suddenly a tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. When they come down and pull themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the land of OZ. Naturally, they decide to go to see the Wizard of OZ. Says Quayle, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain." Says Gingrich, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart." Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"

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