Real Jokes
Economic pressures
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Faced with economic pressures, many commercial offices are cutting back on costs wherever possible, in an attempt to remain profitable.At one particular office, employees are taking management's belt-tightening orders seriously:"I'm taking home only half the office supplies I used to", one staffer notes.
Serving on the jury
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Gene Robinson, 24, was arrested in Dayton, Tenn., after having sat for part of a session as a member of a grand jury hearing drug cases. He had already voted on 20 indictments when the next name that came up was his. He raised his hand, said, "That's me," and excused himself. His fellow members indicted him, and police arrested him at his home a short time later.
Find out about the cat
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.A chauffeur worked for a woman who took her cat with her on rides. During one trip, the driver droped her at a mall before he gasing up. The cat remained in the car, laying down on the top of the limousine's back seat.The service station's attendant often glanced at unusual passenger. Finally, he asked: "Sir, is that cat someone important?"
Did you understand me?
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Working at a theater box-office ticket window poses many challenges in dealing with people.When a disgruntled customer at a window exclaimed, "No Tickets?" What do you mean NO TICKETS?"The women waiting on him smiled sweeting. "I'm terribly sorry, sir," she replied. "Which word didn't you understand?"
This dog loves people
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.A normally sweet Great Dane Psil has one quirk: she hates United Parcel Service drivers.While walk Psil one day, around the corner of a house came a UPS man.Struggling to keep hold of Psil, the owner tried to ease the situation said, "As you can see, he just loves UPS men.""Don't you feed her anything else?" he responded.
Writing letters to son
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping.Didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note:"Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad."
Phone company's errors
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Phone Company Gives Something for NothingDear Ann,I think I can top the person who wrote complaining about the idiocy of the phone company. Talk about garbage in, garbage out!When AT&T split with Bell, we had three phones in our house. The equipment belonged to Ma Bell and the service belonged to AT&T. After we returned all the phone equipment to Ma Bell, we received a bill for $0.00. A few weeks later, we received a check for $5 and a note thanking us. Several months later, we received another computerized bill for $0.00. We called again, got nowhere, so we sent another check for $0.00. A few weeks later we received another $5 refund with the same thank you.This went on every three months for two years. Now we are down to once a year and have given up trying to straighten this out. We just cash the $5 and forget about it.-- Linda K. R. in California
Converting to metric
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.This last weekend I was reminded at the pace we are converting to metric. I was on I-75 in Ohio when I saw a sign that said:All signs metricNext 20 miles
Begin emergency landing
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight.The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign.The vibration stopped immediately.A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.
Drinking and driving
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.The "Environmental Engineering News" published some rather sobering information about punishment for drunk driving convictions in other countries.In Australia, the names of drunk drivers are printed in newspapers under the caption, "He's drunk and in jail."In Malaysia the driver is jailed and, if married, the spouse is jailed.In the United Kingdom, Finland and Sweden there's an automatic jail term of one year.In Turkey, drunk drivers are driven twenty miles out of town and forced to walk back ten miles.In Bulgaria, a second drunk-driving conviction results in capital punishment.In El Salvador, your first offense is your last -- execution by firing squad.From the August Road & Track.
Call us for assistance
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, 'Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?'The lady said, 'My phone doesn't have an eleven.'
Fortune cookie mistake
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.On Saturday last, I had dinner at a local Chinese restaurant. My fortune read:"You will gain admiration from your pears."Comice? Bartlett? Canned? I don't grow or eat them, anyway.
Strange grants given
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.LOS ANGELES TIMES, September 14:According to a database maintained by Academic Guidance Services, there are 3,000 scholarships earmarked for golf caddies, newspaper carriers, glee clubbers, and band members.Juanita College in Pennsylvania gives grants to needy left-handers.Parents whose children were born on June 12, 1979 can plan ahead to apply for a scholarship to the Rochester Institute of Technology in honor of the school's 150th anniversary.Bucknell University gives grants to students who do not use alcohol, tobacco, or narcotics and don't engage in strenuous activities.A judge in Seattle uses the fines he collects from prostitutes to finance scholarships for their reformed sisters who want to return to school.
Shooting your computer
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.From the Echoes-Sentines [?], Somerset County, NJ, Sept. 17, 1987:GILLETTE RESIDENT IS ARRESTED AFTER SHOOTING HIS COMPUTERPASSAIC TWP. -- A Gillette man was arrested at his home last Thursday night after he fired eight bullets at his home computer, according to police.The man, Michael A. Case, 35, of 64 Summit Ave., was arrested shortly after 11 p.m., at his house, when police said they received a report that shots were fired. They arrived at the home to find a .44 Magnum automatic handgun and a shot-up IBM personal computer with a Princeton Graphics System monitor.The monitor screen was blown out by the blasts and its inner workings were visible, Lt. Donald Van Tassel said on Monday. The computer, which had bullet holes in its hardware, was hit four times while four more bullet holes were found in various areas next to the computer, Van Tassel said."The only thing he (Case) said was that he was mad at his computer so he shot it," Van Tassel said.The handgun, which the lieutenant identified as an Israeli Arms Desert Eagle .44, has "a lot of firepower," he said. "It's a big gun." Case used hollow-point, or dum-dum, bullets, he added.Case was surprised when police arrested him because he didn't think he was breaking the law, Van Tassel said. "He couldn't understand why he couldn't shoot his own computer in his own home," Van Tassel said.Case was charged with recklessly creating a risk and using a firearm against the property of another, because the house is reportedly owned by a relative. The walls were also damaged by the shots, according to police.He was also charged with unlawful posession of a firearm without a permit, and with possession of illegal bullets, police said.In addition, Case was issued to summonses, for discharging a weapon in a restricted area and for discharging a single-projectile weapon, police said.Case spent early Friday morning in the Morris County Jail and was released later in the day on $2,500 bail, according to police.A Municipal Court appearance is scheduled for today, Sept. 17.
Newspaper typing error
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.The following appeared on the back page of one of Australia's more outrageous computer publications, "Computing Australia", 21st Sept 1987: ... Blame it on the computer.An unfriendly computer has been held responsible for a "potentially lethal error" involving a Mafia loan collector.A New York paper inadvertently put the `heavy' in the running for a pair of custom-fitted concrete shoes when it identified him as a "ruthless informer".According to a published retraction (and apology!), a writer on the paper had actually typed "ruthless enforcer" - but the computer system's spelling checker liked it the other way.And I thought the worst you could expect from a "computer error" was a bill for a million dollars!
Stop credit card fraud
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Many folks have written with perfectly plausible explanations about why merchants take my phone number on a credit card charge. What these fail to address, however, is that if I'm perpetrating a fraud in the use of this credit card, I'm not about to give out a correct phone number. They make no effort to validate the phone number before I leave, so what they're doing is collecting the phone numbers of a bunch of honest people.Now then... Why are they collecting the phone numbers of a bunch of honest people?I once asked why you are asked for your phone number when using your charge cards. The clerk explained that theives have been caught because they stupidly put down THEIR home phone number, not the phone number of the person who "owned" the card.
Unpaid parking tickets
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Chicago TribuneWilliam P. Holcomb, whose job is to supervise the tracking down of Houston, Texas parking ticket violators. It was revealed that he had 375 unpaid tickets.
Beware of drunken bears
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.LOS ANGELES TIMES, October 8:People of northwestern Montana have been advised to be on the lookout for drunken bears. Black bears and grizzlies have been congregating along the tracks of the Burlington Northern railroad tracks, where a train carrying hundreds of tons of corn derailed some time ago. The corn has fermented, and the aroma is attracting the bears. "The bears are actually intoxicated up there," said wildlife biologist Loren Hicks. And a grizzly with a hangover can be cross as a bear.
Monkey travels in space
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.LOS ANGELES TIMES, October 8:One of the passengers in a Soviet spacecraft is fooling around with the equipment, and his monkeyshines may end the flight prematurely. The passenger is in fact a monkey named Yarosha -- Russian slang for village troublemaker. Evidently bored on the fifth day of a scheduled 12-day flight, Yarosha slipped out of his harness and took a tour of the spacecraft. Tass, the Soviet news agency, reported that Yarosha was having a delightful time tampering with all of the equipment within reach. Watch out, Yarosha; if you break something, they'll probably dock your flight pay.
Earthquake at a bank
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.The city of Whittier, California was founded many years ago, mainly by Quakers. There is a prominent sign composed of large, brass letters on one of the financial institutions in that community identifying it as the Quaker City Bank. The last letter of the first word fell off during an earthquake yesterday, making the sign read "Quake City Bank."
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