Relationships
A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500...
A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas.Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casinoand finds a pay phone. He calls his wife and says, "Honey, pack your bags.I just won over a million dollars in Vegas."His wife say, "That's wonderful. What should I pack for...Europe, the Carribean?"He says, "I don't care, just be gone when I get home."
if at first you dont succeed...
if at first you dont succeed...buy her another drink
What is the penalty for bigamy?
Question: What's the penalty for bigamy?Answer: Two mothers-in-law
An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb...
An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and inthe center of the tomb there is a lamp. So he picked it up and startedto rub the dirt off of it, and out came a genie out of the lamp and hesaid "I want to know the person you hate the most"The explorer said "That's gotta be my ex-wife. Why?""I am a cursed genie, I will grant you three wishes but whatever youwish for your ex-wife will get double the amount.""OK, I wish for a billion dollars""Granted, but your ex-wife gets two billion""I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tenniscourts, everything""Granted your ex-wife gets two. This is your final wish"The explorer walked around the room and came back to the genie with astick and said "Ya see this stick, I'd like you to beat me half to death."
A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game...
A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Lambeau Field,until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked theguy next to it if he knew whose seat it was. The guy said, "Yes, that'smy wife's seat. We have never missed a game since the Lombardi days, butnow my wife is dead." The fan offered his sympathy and said it was reallytoo bad he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to so they couldenjoy the game together... "Oh no," the guy said, "they're all at the funeral."
Breakfast was my idea
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carryingthe mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When hearrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole familythere, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his waywith a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a boxof fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection ofterrific fishing lures.At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful womanin a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through thedoor (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroomwhere she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast:eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she waspouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge."All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?""Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day,and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. Hesaid, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American...
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on anoverseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussingtheir home lives."Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchmanbragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes andshe told me how much she adored me.""Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italianresponded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet andtold me she could never love another man."When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked,"And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?""Once," he replied."Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she sayto you this morning?""Don't stop."
A guy is sitting in a bar next to a really ugly woman...
A guy is sitting in a bar next to a really ugly woman. She has a parrot on her shoulder. Woman says: If you can tell me what kind of animal I haveon my shoulder...I'll sleep with you." Guy says: "An alligator?" Woman says: "Close enough"
AVOID SOCIAL BLUNDERS WITH THESE HELPFUL WEDDING HINTS
AVOID SOCIAL BLUNDERS WITH THESE HELPFUL WEDDING HINTS:- Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.- Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom.- When dancing, never remove undergarments; no matter how hot it is.- Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.- A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost-effective, but also a proven fly deterrent.- For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a nice appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
A promise to keep
"But this isn't an engagement ring." the young lady protested. "Why it's just a tiny unset diamond.""Yeah ! I know." said the fellow, "And, it'll be mounted in a cluster around a big one, the very day after you are."
Two newlyweds are riding in the back of a limo...
Two newlyweds are riding in the back of a limo on the way to their honeymoon boat cruise. The husband says, "Honey, I want to stop and pick up some condoms before we go." "Good idea," she says. "While you're in there, pick me up some Dramamine."The groom gets out, walks into the drugstore and says to the clerk, "I'd like a box of condoms and a package of Dramamine, please.""Yes sir, says the clerk, "but do you mind if I ask you a question? If it makes you nauseous, why do you do it?"
It was their first date...
It was their first date, and she'd shown the patience of a saint as he babbled on and on about his hobbies, his pet peeves, his driving techniques, and even the standards he used to choose his barber.Finally, he came up for air and said, "But enough about me. Let's talk about you." She breathed a sigh of relief.He went on, "What do you think about me?"
A regular Friday night poker game...
A regular Friday night poker game was still going strongwell after midnight when one of the players returned fromthe bathroom with an urgent report. "Roger, listen," he told the host, "Walter's in the kitchenmaking love to your wife." "OK, that's it, guys," Roger said. "This is positivelythe last deal."
Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks...
Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy?"The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern.""Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got !"
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife...
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in- law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.The wife cried, "What are we going to do?""Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
A horrible curse
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can removea "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me theexact words that were used to put the curse on you."The old man says without hesitation"I now pronounce you man and wife".
The local courtroom was packed as testimony began...
The local courtroom was packed as testimony began in thesentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering herhusband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee.The defense attorney knew he had his work cut out for himtrying to make his client appear more sympathetic to theJudge, especially since she had been so "matter-of-fact"about the whole thing all during the trial."Mrs. Roth," he began, "was there any point that morningwhere you felt pity for your husband ?""Well... yeah... I guess..." she replied."And when was that?" pressed the attorney."Well...," she replied, "when he asked for his third cup."
Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago...
Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago. He was only afew blocks away from his house when he realized he'd left his plane ticket on top of his dresser. He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietlyentered the door, walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee.She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and squeezed her left tit."Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Jon won't be here for breakfast tomorrow."
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months...
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
Job well done
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel fortheir 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected onthat magical evening 25 years ago, the wife askedthe husband, "When you first saw my naked body infront of you, what was going through your mind?"The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuckyour brains out, and suck your tits dry."Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are youthinking now?"He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
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