Relationships
If women don't fool around, and men do...
If women don't fool around, and men do fool around, whoare the men fooling around with?
A stockbroker catches his wife in bed with another man...
A stockbroker catches his wife in bed with another man.He says to her, "What's going on?" She says, "Believe it or not, John, I've gone public!"
A guy was trying to console a friend...
A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wifein bed with another man."Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world." "It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But whatif you came home one night and caught another man in bed withyour wife?" The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his caneand kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and...
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked andwas climbing into bed when his wife complained,as usual, "I have a headache." "Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in thebathroom powdering my penis with aspirin.You can take it orally or as a suppository,...it's up to you!"
On his way out of church, Frank stopped at the door...
On his way out of church, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. "Would it be right," he asked, "for a person to profitfrom the mistakes of another?" "Absolutely not!" replied the pastor. "In that case," said the young man, "I wonder if you'd considerreturning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and melast July."
How does a man know when his wife is losing interest?
How does a man know when his wife is losing interest?When her favorite sexual position is "next door"
How to dump a guy
Dear ________,I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.Check those that apply...___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by thetruckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something otherthan my personality.___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.___Your constant emailing shows me you have TOO much time onyour hands!___Your legs are skinnier than mine.___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying tokiss you.___You have a hairy back.___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals aninherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.___You still live with your parents.___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of StarTrekuniforms a little disconcerting.___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I amseeking in a long term partner.___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.Sincerely,___________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIEDOld aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
What is the difference between men and women?
What is the difference between men and women?A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
A couple have not been getting along for years...
A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks,"I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday."Well, you can imagine her disappointment.The next year, her birthday rolls around again and thistime he doesn't get her anything.She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?"He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"
Men are like fine wine...
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes,and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep themin the dark until they mature into something you'd wantto have dinner with.
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother...
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in loveand going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm goingto bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'mgoing to marry."The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful womeninto the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat fora while.He then says,"Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle.""That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?""I don't like her."
For their 25th wedding anniversary...
For their 25th wedding anniversary, a man decides to take his wife on a trip to France. After two weeks touring France, they return to the airport for the trip back to America. While waiting for the plane, the wife turns to her husband and says, "This was the most wonderful gift I could have asked for on our 25th anniversary. I can't wait to hear what you have in mind for our 50th anniversary!" Her husband leaned over, kissed her on the cheek, and said, "I'm going to come back and get you"Sent by Scott
A gent spots a nice looking gal in a bar...
A gent spots a nice looking gal in a bar goes upand starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't backoff, he asked her name. "Carmen," she replied."That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you,your mother?""No, I named myself, she answered."Oh, that's interesting, why Carmen?""Because I like cars, and I like men,"she said looking directly into his eyes."What's your name?""Beerfuck."Sent by Ron
These two guys go to a whorehouse...
These two guys go to a whorehouse.The first guy goes in then comes out and says,"My wife is better."The second guy goes in then comes out and says,"You know what? Your wife IS better."
A wealthy man sat in his attorney's office...
A wealthy man sat in his attorney's office."Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?"the lawyer asked."Give me the bad news first.""Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.""That's the bad news?" the man asked incredulously."I can't wait to hear the terrible news.""It's of you and your mistress."
For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake...
For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:"You are not getting older,You are just getting better."When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to servethe cake that he discovered it read:"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP,YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
A hundred dollars
A man comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morningto find his wife angry and waiting for him at the door. "Out drinking again!?" she says."How much money did you spend this time?" "$100," answers the man. "$100!" she shouts."That's ridiculous, spending that much in one night!" "Easy for you to say," he replies. "You don't smoke,you don't drink, and you have your own pussy."
Safe sex
A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. Whilefishing, the old man starts talking about how times havechanged. The young man picks up on this and starts talkingabout the various problems and diseases going around.Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problemswith all these diseases when you were young did they?"Grandpa replies, "Nope."Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?"Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."
Slight confusion
One night a police officer named Mike was working the grave-yard shift and he drove to his house around 3 A.M. in the morning. He opened the door to the bedroom quietly and took off his clothes in the dark ,and got in bed with his wife. Then she said ,"Honey, can you go over to the Drug Store and pick me up some Asprin?" The husband said yes, got dressed in the dark, and walked over to the Drug Store.When he got to the Drug Store, he got the Asprin and went up to the desk so that the clerk could ring it up. Then when he got up there, the clerk asked,"Say, Aren't you Mike This-and-That?"Mike answered him and said, "Yes I am."Then the clerk looked puzzled and asked, "Well, aren't you a police officer?"And again Mike replied yes.Then the clerk asked,"Then why are you dressed like the fire chief?"Sent by Tyler
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