Relationships
housekeepers
Regardless of what you may hear, there's still many women these days who are excellent "housekeepers". Seems each time they get a divorce, they keep the house.
Mr. Schneider stood up in court...
Mr. Schneider stood up in court. "As God is my judge, I do not owe my ex-wife any money." Glaring down at him, the judge replied, "He's not. I am. You do."
A bored woman says to her husband...
A bored woman says to her husband as she clasps her hands together, "Guess what I have in here and you'll get some loving tonite." The equally bored husband, wishing to avoid any kind of sex at all replies, "An elephant". The wife sez "That's close enough!"
Rough
Tell ya what though, I don't have it nearly as rough as one of my neighbors. When he attends a wife swapping party, he has to throw in the maid, and a mistress to be named later.
A young married woman...
A young married woman was discussing her sex life with a girlfriend. The girlfriend asked, "Do you talk to your husband when you're making love ?" She thought about it a minute then said, "Well, no. But I could. I mean he has a cell phone and all now."
The definition of kinky sex
I'm not saying that my wife was naive when we got married, but... she thought "kinky sex" involved her wearing hair curlers to bed.
This snow plow driver from North Dakota...
This snow plow driver from North Dakota got married. He and his new Bride prepared for their wedding nite. He watched for a while as she spread three different kinds of creams and then a white foam in preparation for their love making. She finally announced that she was ready. The man then asked if she still had that string of pearls necklace that he admired so much. She replied, "Well, yes darling, I do. But what in the world would you need it for at a time like this ? He looked again at all her "preparations" and replied, "Ain't no way I'm gonna try to go into a mess like that without chains."
A painful adjustment
Adjusting to marriage sometimes poses some unexpected problems. But when I came upon a friend of mine in a bar the night after his wedding, I had ask exactly what he was doing there instead of with his new bride. "Well, you see, this morning when I got up," he said, "I was barely awake from a wonderful night of love-making. More out of habit than anything else, I put a fifty dollar bill on the dresser." I told him not to worry about it, that his new wife probably wouldn't even think anything of it; that he could always say he left her some spending money. "No no !" he half wailed/half said, "You don't understand. She was half asleep too and gave me $30 change."
Going further
A coupla Aggies, Buck and Thurleen, married after graduating from Texas A&M, are driving from Dallas down to a motel in Austin for their honeymoon. Along the way, Buck reaches over and puts his hand on Thurleen's knee. Thurleen smiles, blushes and says, "Oh Buck, we're married now, you can go farther than that!" So he drove on to Laredo.
It is all in the money
A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, "If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor would there be any "we" in the first place."
Exercing control
There were three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives. The third remains silent. After a while, one of the first two turned to the third and sez "Well... what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife ?" "Well, on our honeymoon, I made damn sure my wife came to me on her hands and knees." he bragged and took another sip of beer. His friends were amazed ! "What happened then ?" they asked, almost in unison. "Well, then she said, 'Get the hell out from under that bed and fight like a man !' " he admitted.
On their honeymoon night...
On their honeymoon night, the burly groom took off his pants and asked his bride to put them on. The waist alone was twice her body. She said, "I can't wear your pants." "That's right," intoned the groom, "And don't you forget it. I'm the one who wears the pants in the family." The bride took off her panties and asked her husband to try it on. "No way. I can't get into your panties." he said. "That's right. And that's the way it'll be until you change your attitude." she said and smiled.
Say anything
Personally I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and Father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
Inseparable
We have a young married couple in the neighborhood who are truly inseparable. Last week, it took four Howard County Policemen and a dog.
Why is it better?..
Did any of you other married guys out there ever wonder whether it's better to have loved and lost, than to have loved and won ?
Nothing changed
On the eve of the couple's tenth wedding anniversary, the still slim wife was bragging about her figure. "You know honey," she said, "I can still get into the skirts I had before we were married." "Yeah ?" the husband replied as he turned his attention back to the ball game on TV. "I wish to hell I could."
One of two reasons
I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot. It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: They have no wife to go home to... or they do.
The American in Hong Kong...
The American in Hong Kong was talking to his wife one evening over supper. "Get this..." he chuckled, "That ridiculous janitor of ours claims he's made love to every woman in the building except one." "Hmmmmmmmmm," said his wife, assuming a thoughtful faraway type expression, "must be that stuck-up Mrs. Stewart on the eighth floor."
Who exactly are we kidding?
But let's get real here guys, I mean who exactly are we kidding ? A husband controls his wife in much the same manner as a barometer controls the weather.
A recent study showed...
A recent study showed that the average husband only actually speaks to his wife about thirty-seven minutes each week. Well, yeah, I can believe that, I mean just how long does it take to say "Uh-huh" or "Yes dear" or "I'm sorry" ?
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