Relationships
Love stronger than death
The young widow was kneeling at her husband's grave tending to the weeds, when she felt the grass rustle beneath her skirt. She smiled and said "Easy sweetheart, you're dead now ya know."
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over...
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nites, and so does she.
I was out with one of my best drinking buddies...
I was out with one of my best drinking buddies, George, and he was talking about marriage, and then his wife. He drank some, then said, "Well, what it comes down to Jimmy, is... well... my wife knows nothing of my wants and needs... she's hardly ever in the mood for sex... I guess what it comes down to is that my wife just doesn't understand me at all, does yours ?" I thought about it a minute or two, then said. "I don't think so George, as a matter of fact, I don't recall her ever even mentioning your name at all."
Saving up for 60 years
The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrowattention as they checked into the resort hotel. Next morning at eightsharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat downat a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinklein his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident. Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining roomand seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and hervoice weak as she ordered toast and coffee. The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby forhis morning cigar. As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she said,"Honey, I don't understand it. Here you are a young bride with an oldhusband, looking like you've encountered a buzz saw." "That guy," said the bride, "double crossed me. He told me he saved up for60 years and I thought he was talking about money!"
A henpecked husband...
A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to asserthimself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go home and show her you're the boss." The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He wenthome, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?""I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker."
This man got his prescription for Viagra...
This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour." "Perfect," she replies.The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife? She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half." The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks. The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?" "Yes" the man replied. "Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor. The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."
Three guys were sitting in a bar talking...
Three guys were sitting in a bar talking.One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker.After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedez. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at leastlike the Mercedez, and she will know that I love her."After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at leastlike the trip, and she would know that I love her."The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said; "Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. Ifigured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go fuck herself."
Life is cruel
What women want in a relationship: A handsome, loving professionalman who will just love them for who they are.What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them onlybecause no other woman wants him.What men want in a woman: A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela LeeAnderson; Wonderful Mom with big hooters and can suck the chrome offa flag pole.What men get: Someone who immediately begins to gain those 80 extralbs the moment after she says "I Do", beginning with the wedding cake!What women want in bed: A passionate lover who takes the time to kissand gently caress, slowly building up to a wonderful joyous experiencetogether.What they get: "Wham-Bam-Thank-You Ma'am!", Belch, Fart, ZzzzzzzzzzzzzzWhat men expect out of a marriage: 3 loving children who honor theirparents.What they get: 3 helions who are a combination of their parents everyfault and make their life a living hell.1st anniversary card from husband to wife: "My sweet loving wife....Ihope this first year is a reflection of the next 60 years, you are my heartand soul, I am forever yours."5th anniversary card: "I love you so much honey...words cannot describe."10th anniversary card: "Hey, how's it hangin'? Love Ya'!!"15th anniversary card: "Ummmmmmmmm......'sup?"16th anniversary card from wife to husband: "You are hereby summonedto divorce proceedings..."
Three different kinds of sex
Did you know that once you get married, you can look forward to three different kinds of sex? First, there's House Sex: That's when you make love all over the house: on the floor, on the kitchen table, in the garage, anywhere, anytime -- much like two crazed rabbits. Then comes Bedroom Sex: That's when the kids are finally fed, bathed and asleep; the curtains closed; nothing much on TV; and the door locked -- you make love in the bedroom. Last comes Hall Sex: That's when you pass each other in the hall and snarl -- "Screw You !"
How to be a Good Wife
How to be a Good WifeExcerpted from a 1950's high school home economics textbookHave dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal--on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so that you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a life.Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up the school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him; greet him with a smile and be glad to see him.Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing, and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.Your goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
Drilling is mine!
Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride."What's the problem?""I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract," snapped the oil man."I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a piece of property; you don't own her!""Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin' rights!
On their first night to be together...
On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "my dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture." Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?" He answers, "yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever". She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "why do you wear a robe? We are married now." at that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks, "why?" She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED"!
Why Jim Smith Lost His First Love
Why Jim Smith Lost His First LoveJim Smith wished to buy a present for his first sweetheart, andafter careful consideration he decided on a pair of gloves.Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a departmentstore and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pairof panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up.(The sweetheart got the panties.) Without checking the contents, Jimsealed his package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note.Dearest Darling,This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten you this Christmas.I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearingany when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your youngersister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wearsthe short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, butthe lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had worn for threeweeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on andshe really looked smart. I wish I could put them on you the first time.No doubt, other men's hands will come in contact with them before I havethe chance to see you again. When you take them off blow in them beforeputting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hopeyou like them and will wear them for me next Friday night. All My Love, JimmyP.S. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. Also, the sales girl showed me how they look when worn in the latest style - folded down with the fur showing.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will never be able tosupport you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
Why do women have smaller feet than men?So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
The doctor had just completed his examination...
The doctor had just completed his examination of thegorgeous redhaired beauty."I would suggest to you, young lady," began the medic,as he regained som of his professional dignity,"that you discontinue some of your running around.Stop drinking so much, cut down on your smoking, andabove all you will have to start eating properly andgetting to bed early." Then, as a pleasant afterthought, he added: "Why nothave dinner with me tonight? I'll see to it that youhave the proper food and that you'll be in bed by 9:00!"
Beep-beep
The eighty-eight-year-old millionaire married an eighteen-year-old country girl. He was quite content, but after a few weeks she told him that she was going to leave him if she didn't get some loving real soon. He had his chauffeured limousine take him to a high-priced specialist who studied him and then gave him a shot of spermatozoa. "Now look," the doctor said, "the only way you're going to get it up is to say "beep," and then to get it soft again, you say, "beep, beep.""How marvelous," the old man said."Yes, but I must warn you," the doctor said," it's only going to work three times before you die."On his way home, the man decided he wasn't going to live through three of them anyway, so he decided to waste one trying it out. "Beep!" he said. Immediately he was UP. Satisfied, he said, "beep, beep," and he was down again. He chuckled with delight and anticipation. At that moment, a little yellow Volkswagen pulled past his limousine and went "beep," and the car in the opposite lane responded with "beep beep." Alert to his jeopardy, the old man instructed his chauffeur to "speed it up." He raced into the house as fast as he could for his last great lay. "Honey," he shouted at her, "don't ask questions. Just drop your clothes and hope into bed." Caught up in his excitement, she did. He undressed nervously and hurried in after her. Just as he was climbing into bed, he said, "beep," and he was UP.He was just starting to enter his young wife when she said,, "What's all this "beep beep" shit?"
I have got trouble with the wife again...
I've got trouble with the wife again - she came into the bar looking for me and I asked for her number.
The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital...
The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues. In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like." Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife: "Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before, wild, passionate sex....you'll love it!"Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was OK... maybe I would have such sex with you...." Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor's office; his doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription pad: "Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz....... Now, I'll just address this.......By the way, Sol, what's your wife's first name?" "Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May Concern"?
A young couple decided to wed...
A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?""Oh yes, very much," he said," but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them.""No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible,and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.""Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning.""No, you don't understand,. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me."Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth.""I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked."Not a word," her mother affirmed."Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?""Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"
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