Relationships
Birth of a Candy Bar
Birth of a Candy Bar It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Krunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like Pure Almond Joy! I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snicker and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!" Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said "Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?" (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack, you're better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden...my Starburst! Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped...........Baby Ruth!
A loving couple
Bill sat alone in the hospital room at his dying wife's beside. It was difficult to hear her above the many life sustaining devices, asher voice was little more than a hoarse whisper. "Bill darling," she breathed. "I've got a confession to make before Igo... I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe in the house ... I spent it on a fling with your best friendJimmy. And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the community in utter disgrace. I'm afraid I also was theone who reported you to the IRS for income tax evasion...""That's all right dearest; don't even give it a second thought." said Bill. "I have a small confession too. I'm the onewho poisoned you."
Love to Death
A man goes to his doctor for his annual physical complaining of all kinds of mysterious ailments -- lack of sleep, no drive, verylittle appetite, nervous, etc. After a complete exam, the doctor can find nothing physically wrong and suspects the man issuffering from depression. The two had been friends for many years, so the doctor did not hesitate to ask the man about hispersonal life."Well, if you must know," said the patient, "I cannot stand my wife. She's made my life unbearable. I fantasize allthe time about killing that damn witch. In fact, if you are truly my friend, you'll give me some kind of untraceablepoison to give her, so I may end my misery."The doctor explained that not only was that illegal, it would in fact, violate his oath to save lives. He said, "Besides, you'll getlife in prison yourself, at best. I'll tell ya what though, I can give you this powerful aphrodisiac to slip into hercoffee. You can then 'love her to death'. No jury in the world is going to convict a man for loving his wife toomuch. She'll be gone in a month at best."The man blessed the doctor, went home and started putting the love elixir in his wife's coffee the very next morning. Threeweeks later, the doctor hasn't heard a word from his friend, and becomes concerned. After office hours, he stops by his friend'shouse to see if all is well. He finds his friend sitting on the sun deck, wrapped in a blanket, even though it's a warm Spring day.The man's face was gaunt and pale, he'd lost Lord knows how much weight,and looked terrible. The doctor asked, "Whatthe Hell happened ???"The man said, "I followed your advice to the letter. That woman and I made love like a pair of crazed rabbits, dayand nite." Then, he chuckled, causing a terrible wheeze. Just then the wife appeared from inside the house. All slim and trimand dressed in tennis clothes; smiling, she said she was off for a few sets of tennis. As she leaped into her new sports car, herhusband cackled and said to the doctor, "Look at that dumb crazy bitch. She hasn't a lick of sense. If she only knewshe has less than a week to live she wouldn't be so God damn frisky."
Better than Sex
A solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free timeand keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozenlesson & music books.Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door. "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me lookat you... let me hold you ! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much !"The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica."
Trust thy friend...
The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determinedto track down the father to extract revenge."Was it my friend Sam", he demanded."No !" his weeping wife replied."Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked."NO !!!" she said even more upset."Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked."Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.
Jealousy
Mrs. Culpepper was almost in tears. "Oh Marie," she said to her maid, "I have reason to suspect that my husband ishaving an affair with his secretary.""I don't believe it for one minute !" Marie snapped."You're just saying that to make me jealous !!!"
Saintly Naivete
I've never been much on fashion, but got quite a few compliments on a new sports jacket I wore to work one day. Mysecretary asked me where I got it and I told her that it was a surprise from my wife. I went home early yesterday, and there itwas, on the back of a kitchen chair.
Love thy Neighbor
The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the Condo of their dreams, but right next door to a very sexy fashion model. The husband had taken to borrowing this or that from their neighbor and it seemed to the wife that it always took him way too long to return. One time the wife had had enuff and actually pounded on the wall between the two apartments. There being no response she telephoned, only to get the answering machine. Finally she went to the model's door and just kept ringing the bell. When the model answered, the wife fumed,"I would like to know why it is my husband takes so damn long to get something over here." "Well sweetie," the model purred, "all these interruptions sure ain't helping none either."
A strange kind of robbery
Jim had been out on the town with a dazzling blonde, and he was returning home as the rosy tints of dawn began to color the skies. Marshaling all his inner resources, he managed an air of sobriety and dignity before the suspicious eye and wagging tongue of his wife. Suddenly, as he was undressing, she punctuated her harangue with a sharp, gasping intake of air. "Jimmy," she asked through titely clenched teeth, "Just where are your underwear ?" Bleakly, Jimmy perceived through the fog in his mind, that his boxer shorts were indeed missing. Just then, inspiration stuck. "My God !" he cried with aggrieved dismay. "I've been robbed !"
What Trip?
One of those discount airlines recently had a promotion where they offered free air-fare to wives who accompanied their husbands on a business trip. Seeking some valuable testimonials, the PR unit of the airline sent out letters to the wives who took advantage of the offer. I understand both written and telephoned responses are still flooding their offices asking, "What trip ?"
Have to
A man comes home early from work and finds his wife and his best friend in bed. The man throws up his hands in disbelief and says, "My God Pete !!! I more-or-less 'have to', but YOU ???"
Orgasmic Problems
The husband, tired of a listless sex life came right out and asked his wife during a recent love-making session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm ?" She looked him rite in the eye and said, "You're never home !"
Made for each other
A friend of mine told me he had signed up with one of these on-line dating services. I asked him the other day if he had had any luck and he said he'd quit -- seems they'd matched him up with his wife.
Simple Curiosity
My wife and I were watching some TV show the other nite where the wife hired a private detective to follow her husband and see if he were in fact "cheating" on her. I asked my wife if she would ever do that. She said, "Well not so much to find out who the other woman was, but to see if I could find out what she saw in ya."
Some explaining...
The newlyweds arrived at the front desk of the posh ocean-side resort in Hilton Head, South Carolina, looking all fresh, and eager to enjoy their two week vacation/honeymoon. The stunning blonde at the front desk smiled and said, "Well, hi Jimmy, how ya been lover ? Long time no see." A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room. Once inside, the piqued bride demanded: "And just who was THAT woman ?!?!?" The groom wiped his brow and said, "Just relax honey. Please ! I'm going to have enuff trouble explaining you to her."
Some horse-play
The newlywed couple were checking into the hotel. The new groom approached the desk clerk. He said he wanted the best for they were on their honeymoon. The clerk asked the man if he wanted the bridal. "No," he said, "I don't believe I'll need it. I'll just grab onto her ears and hold on 'til she gets used to it."
Repetitiveness
After the lavish wedding reception, the newlyweds retired to their Honeymoon Suite. The groom turned down the lights and found some nice CDs to stack on the player. Then he excused himself and returned in pajamas and robe. He opened a bottle of champagne and poured them each a drink, unaware that his new bride had already had more than enuff to drink. Finally, he took the girl of his dreams, whom he had wed after a whirl-wind courtship, by the hand and tenderly began to lead her towards the bedroom. "Damn !" she muttered, "every stinking time I go out with a guy it always ends up the same way."
Really torrid honeymoon
After the third day of a really torrid honeymoon, the young couple finally emerged from their room and walked into the hotel restaurant. After they were seated, the waiter came over to get their orders. The new husband looked at his bride and said, "You know what I really feel like honey ?" "Well sure," she blushed, "But we gotta eat sometime !"
Honeymooned!
A young couple from the country honeymooned at a really fancy ocean-side resort. because they knew it would be expensive, they had planned to limit their stay to just the weekend, but were just unable to leave, enjoying themselves and each other so much, and extended their stay another day. Upon checking out, the desk clerk said, "That'll be an additional $150 apiece." "Good God man !!!" cried the groom, totally shocked, "That's two thousand two-hundred and fifty dollars !!! Are you crazy ???"
Honeymoon II
The newlyweds had decided to take Amtrak's "Car Train" to Florida, so they would have the mobility of being able to use their own vehicle on the honeymoon. They settled into one of the train's upper berths together and cuddled. As the nite progressed, the new bride was heard to say quite excitedly a number of times, "I just can't believe that we're finally married Kenny." After about the 3rd time in five minutes, a voice came out of the dark, "God dammit Kenny !!! Will you please convince her so's we can all get some sleep ???"
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