Science
A popular whore house was visited by a lesbian....
A popular whore house was visited by a lesbian. The lesbian requested a 15 year old, and the madam replied"I'm sorry, we don't serve minors to lickers."
Two gay male lovers were talking and Bob says to Jon...
Two gay male lovers were talking and Bob says to Jon, "I wish I had chest hair like you" So the next day Bob goes to the doctor and asks for something to grow chest hair. The doctor gives him something and he says "It will work in about two months." Two months later Bob has no hair on his chest and back to the doctor he goes. The Doctor says, 'Rub some Vaseline on your chest, and in a week you will be growing hair.' Jon comes home that day seeing Bob rub Vaseline and asks "Why?" Bob says "to grow chest hair" Jon says if Vaseline grows hair you would have a ponytail comin' out your ass!"
Why do gays eat refried beans on Saturday night?
Why do gays eat refried beans on Saturday night? So they can take a bubble bath Sunday morning.
These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary for...
These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary for nine years. One day Larry said to Joe, "You know man its been a long time since we had some sex so you oughta let me fuck you." Joe replied. "Are you crazy?!!" Larrywent on to say, "I promise you that it won't hurt and we'll flip a coin and see who fucks, who first. So, Joe thought about it for a minute and finally agreed. They flipped a coin and Larry won. Still having strong reservation Joe asked, "How will you tell if it hurts or not?" Larry told Joe, "If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing." Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed, Moooooooo. Moooooo. Mooooon River......
A straight guy and a gay are in the men's room...
A straight guy and a gay are in the men's room and the straight guy has his shirt unbuttoned exposing a heavy coat of chest hair. The gay asked how he came to have so much hair on his chest. He said, "I put Vaselineon it every night." That night the gay put Vaseline on his chest and went to bed. His partner George said, "What in the hell is that?" "It's to grow hair." he replied. "Bull shit!" said George. "If Vaseline grew hair...I'd have tail a mile long!
What's the definition of AIDS?
What's the definition of AIDS?Anally Injected Death Sentence.
How can u spot a tough Lesbian Bar?
How can u spot a tough Lesbian Bar?Even the pool tables don't have balls.
What's the difference between a white gerbil and a brown gerbil?
What's the difference between a white gerbil and a brown gerbil?The white one got away.
What does it mean when two lesbians make love?
Q. What does it mean when two lesbians make love?A. It doesn't mean dick.
What's a transvestite's idea of a good time?
What's a transvestite's idea of a good time? Eat, drink, and be Mary!
Two homosexuals were talking when one of them happened to...
Two homosexuals were talking when one of them happened to mention that he had gotten circumcised last week. "Can I see it?" asked the second gay guy.So the first guy promptly dropped his pants to show off his operation."Oooh," squealed his friend, "You look ten years younger!"
How do you know if a lesbian is butch?
How do you know if a lesbian is butch?She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.Sent by Chris
Two condoms walk past a gay bar...
Two condoms walk past a gay bar. One of them says to the other,"Hey, do you fancy dropping in there and getting shit-faced?"
Dihydrogen Monoxide: The Invisible Killer
Dihydrogen Monoxide: The Invisible Killer Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide!Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncountedthousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused byaccidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxidedo not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severetissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweatingand urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and bodyelectrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMOwithdrawl means certain death.Dihydrogen monoxide:1. is also know as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain2. contributes to the "greenhouse effect"3. may cause severe burns4. contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape5. accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals6. may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes7. has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patientsCONTAMINATION IS REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS!Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream,lake and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and thecontaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has causedmillions of dollars in property damage in the Midwest, and recentlyCalifornia.Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:- as an industrial solvent and coolant- in nuclear power plants- in the production of styrofoam- as a fire retardant- in many forms of cruel animal research- in the distribution of pesticides; even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical- as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food productsCompanies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can bedone to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact onwildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED!The American government has refused to ban the production anddistribution chemical due to its "importance to the economic health ofthis nation". In fact, the navy and other military organizations areconducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollardevices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds ofmilitary research facilities receive tons of it through a highlysophisticated underground distribution network. Many store largequantities for later use.IT'S NOT TOO LATE!Act NOW to prevent further contamination!
Safest Way to Drive
Safest Way to Drive Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by American drivinghabits, offers the following advice:The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directlyproportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one'sexposure.One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirdsare caused by non-drunk drivers.Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.
Review: The Cat in the Hat by Dr. Seuss
Review: The Cat in the Hat by Dr. Seuss, 61 pages. Beginner Books, $3.95 The Cat in the Hat is a hard-hitting novel of prose and poetryin which the author re-examines the dynamic rhyming schemes andbold imagery of some of his earlier works, most notably GreenEggs and Ham, If I Ran the Zoo, and Why Can't I Shower WithMommy? In this novel, Theodore Geisel, writing under thepseudonym Dr. Seuss, pays homage to the great Dr. Sigmund Freudin a nightmarish fantasy of a renegade feline helping two youngchildren understand their own frustrated sexuality.The story opens with two youngsters, a brother and a sister,abandoned by their mother, staring mournfully through thewindow of their single-family dwelling. In the foreground, alarge tree/phallic symbol dances wildly in the wind, tauntingthe children and encouraging them to succumb to the sexualyearnings they undoubtedly feel for each other. Even to themost unlearned reader, the blatant references to theincestuous relationship the two share set the tone for Seuss'sprobing examination of the satisfaction of primitive needs.The Cat proceeds to charm the wary youths into engaging inwhat he so innocently refers to as "tricks." At this point,the fish, an obvious Christ figure who represents theprevailing Christian morality, attempts to warn the children,and thus, in effect, warns all of humanity of the dangersassociated with the unleashing of the primal urges. Inresponse to this, the cat proceeds to balance the aquaticnaysayer on the end of his umbrella, essentially saying,"Down with morality; down with God!"After poohpoohing the righteous rantings of the waterloggedChrist figure, the Cat begins to juggle several icons ofWestern culture, most notably two books, representing the Oldand New Testaments, and a saucer of lactal fluid, an ironicreference to maternal loss the two children experienced whentheir mother abandoned them "for the afternoon." Our heroicId adds to this bold gesture a rake and a toy man, and thuscompletes the Oedipal triangle.Later in the novel, Seuss introduces the proverbial Pandora'sbox, a large red crate out of which the Id releases Thing One,or Freud's concept of Ego, the division of the psyche thatserves as the conscious mediator between the person andreality, and Thing Two, the Superego which functions to rewardand punish through a system of moral attitudes, conscience,and guilt. Referring to this box, the Cat says, "Now look atthis trick. Take a look!" In this, Dr. Seuss uses thechildren as a brilliant metaphor for the reader, and asks thereader to re-examine his own inner self. The children, unable to control the Id, Ego, and Superegoallow these creatures to run free and mess up the house, ormore symbolically, control their lives. This rampagecontinues until the fish, or Christ symbol, warns that themother is returning to reinstate the Oedipal triangle thatexisted before her abandonment of the children. At thispoint, Seuss introduces a many-armed cleaning device whichrepresents the psychoanalytic couch, which proceeds to putthe two youngsters' lives back in order.With powerful simplicity, clarity, and drama, Seuss reducesFreud's concepts on the dynamics of the human psyche to aneasily understood gesture. Mr. Seuss' poetry and choice ofwords is equally impressive and serves as a splendidcounterpart to his bold symbolism. In all, his writing styleis quick and fluid, making The Cat in the Hat impossible toput down. While this novel is 61 pages in length, and onecan read it in five minutes or less, it is not until aftermultiple readings that the genius of this modern day masterbecomes apparent.
Bell Labs Proves Existence of Dark Suckers
Bell Labs Proves Existence of Dark Suckers For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light.However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electricbulbs don't emit light, they suck dark. Thus they now call these bulbsdark suckers. The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labsspokesperson, proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier thanthat of light, and that dark is faster than light. The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark.Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are. There isless dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the darksucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parkinglot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As with allthings, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, theycan no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full darksucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker. lA new candle has a whitewick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black,representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold apencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn blackbecause it got in the path of the dark flowing into the candle. Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range.There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle allof the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. Whenthe dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced beforethe portable dark sucker can operate again. Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from thismass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating darksucker. Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in thesolid wick instead of through glass. This generates a great amount ofheat. Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle. Dark isalso heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it getsslowly darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fiftyfeet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks tothe bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top. Theimmense power of dark can be utilized to mans advantage. We can collectthe dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it throughturbines, which generate electricity and help push it to the ocean where itmay be safely stored. Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to getdark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognized thisproblem, and tried to solve it. When on a river in a canoe travelling inthe same direction as the flow of the dark, they paddled slowly, so as notto stop the flow of dark, but when they traveled against the flow of dark,they paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its way. Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were tostand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowlyopen the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet, butsince the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave thecloset. In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our livesmuch easier. So the next time you look at an electric bulb remember thatit is indeed a dark sucker.Author Unknown
English is a Crazy Language
English is a Crazy Language From: Charlie IndelicatoLet's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplantnor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffinsweren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats arecandies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find thatquicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig isneither from Guinea nor is it a pig.And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don'tgroce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't theplural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index,2 indices?Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that youcomb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunchof odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eatsvegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhapsyou bote your tongue?Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylumfor the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play andplay at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses thatrun and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man andwise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, whilequite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hellone day and cold as hell another.Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they areabsent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met asung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone whowas combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all thosepeople who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your housecan burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it outand in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects thecreativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). Thatis why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights areout, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, butwhen I wind up this essay, I end it.
Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien Civilization
Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien Civilization... Simply send 6 x 10^50 atoms of hydrogen to the star system at the top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your star system at the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other star systems. Within one-tenth of a galactic rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum! IT REALLY WORKS!
Night Before Christmas
Night Before Christmas For Readers in their 23rd Year of Schooling 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood-burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas. The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebra. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal cranial coverings, were about to take slumbrous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof. Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing the fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline aqueous precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself -- thus permitting my incredulous optical sensor to peruse a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by an octet of diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a miniscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his undulate motive power traveling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen ... "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. -- guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities. As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved -- with utmost celerity and via a downward leap -- entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebon residue from the oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle. His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his molar regions and nasal aptenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsuite facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water. Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smokingpiece whose gray fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned hosiery with articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith affected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic yuletides to the planetary constituence, and to that self-same assemblage my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."
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