Situations
A little girl was playing up a tree near a church...
A little girl was playing up a tree near a church. The priest was takinga walk when he happened to look up the tree and saw the little girl. Shehad no panties on. He called her down and gave her money to buy a pairof panties. The girl was so happy and told her mommy about it. The nextday when the priest was again taking his daily walk, he looked up thesame tree and saw the young girl's mother up there. She had no pantieson. He called her down and gave her two dollars to buy a razor.
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar...
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking arse."Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language."That's okay," the blonde replied,"If I don't sell more arse this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."
A woman went to the bar with a black eye...
A woman went to the bar with a black eye."How'd ya get that?" asked the bartender."From my husband," she replied."But I thought he was out of town?" he asked."So did I!" she said.
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet...
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my gerbil."
First Aid Course
When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, severalbystanders ran over to help the driver. A women was the first to reach thevictim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. 'Step aside, lady,' hebarked. 'I've taken a course in first-aid!' The women watched for a fewminutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. 'Pardon me,' she said. 'But whenyou get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here.'
Is this her first?..
A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's goinginto labor!"The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?"He says, "No! This is her husband!"
Ten pounds of pride
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds."WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar.Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartenderrecognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answered, "10 pounds."The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened?The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"
The other day my house caught fire...
The other day my house caught fire. The insurance agent said, "Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?" I said, "Fire and theft."Insurance agent frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft."Apparently, the only way I can make a claim with this coverage is if the house is robbed while it's burning down.
The hit-and-run
The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when apoliceman ran up to help. "My mother-in-law just tried to runme over!" the shaken man told the cop."The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How couldyou tell it was your mother-in-law?""I recognized the laugh!" he replied.
A rancher from Central Arizona died and went on...
A rancher from Central Arizona died and went on to the Great Beyond. As heapproached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was bare with nogreenery. He remarked to the gate keeper, "Howdy Saint Peter. Say, thislooks just like Arizona." "The gatekeeper replied, "First of all, I'm notSaint Peter...and second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you?"
A strange jigsaw puzzle
Paddy gets a phone call from Murphy. "Paddy," says Murphy, "I've got a problem.""What's the matter?" replies Paddy"Oi've bought a jigsaw and it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together, and I can't find any edges.""What's the picture of?" asks Paddy"It's of a big cockerel," Murphy replies.Paddy says, "Alroight, Murphy, Oi'll come over and have a look."He gets to Murphy's house and Murphy opens the door. "Oh thanks for coming Paddy." He leads Paddy into the kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table.Paddy looks at the jigsaw, then turns to Murphy and says, "For God's sake Murphy, put the cornflakes back in the packet."
Make my own bed
Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed.Guest: I'll make my own bed.Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.
Two men were walking through the woods when...
Two men were walking through the woods when a large bearwalked out into the clearing no more than 50 feet in front of them.The first man dropped his backpack and dug out a pair of runningshoes, then began to furiously attempt to lace them up as the bearslowly approached them. The second man looked at the first,confused, and said, "What are you doing? Running shoes aren'tgoing to help, you can't outrun that bear." "I don't need to," saidthe first man, "I just need to outrun you."
An old man and his son had a one-horse farm where they...
An old man and his son had a one-horse farm where they barely made aliving. Then, one day, the son hit the lottery and won $50,000.The young man rushed into town, collected his money, then hurried backhome. He ran across the field, told his father the news, and handed theolder man a $50 bill.The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, "Son, you knowI've always been careful with what little money we had. I didn't spend iton whiskey or women. In fact, I couldn't even afford the license to legally marry your Ma.""Pa!" the young man stammered, "do you know what that makes me?""Yep," said the old man fingering the $50, "... and a cheap one, too.
Cop coming upon a young couple making out...
Cop coming upon a young couple making out....Cop: What the hell are you two doing?Boy: See honey, I told ya cops were stupid.
A guy leaves his place at the bar to go have a piss...
A guy leaves his place at the bar to go have a piss. He comes back about10 Minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering & swearing very softly.The barkeep approaches the customer and asks what the problem is."Oh some son-uv-a-bitch snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal andput a gun to my head"."Jesus Christ! What happened?""He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my brains out!""Yeah, then what?""Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you?"
A college professor's going to bed with his wife...
A college professor's going to bed with his wife. He's not that tired, so he's gonna stay awake and read while she goes to sleep. So he's reading, and every once in a while he reaches over and tickles her on the fun spot... "Kitza kitza..."She says, "Will you stop that! Will you stop reaching over here and teasing me like that?"He says, "I'm not teasing you. I'm wetting my fingers so I can turn the page."
Joan, a rather well-proportioned & near-sighted secretary...
Joan, a rather well-proportioned & near-sighted secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first few days, but always removed her glasses for an even facial tan. After several days she decided that no one could see her way up there, so she slipped out of her suit for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The hotel doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you have for the past week." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight!"
Mike Mooney, a Yankee was driving through the south...
Mike Mooney, a Yankee was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100 pound pig. The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said, "This one will go a little over a 100". Astonished the Yankee said, "Who are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way". The farmer laughed and called to his young son, "Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man". The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said, " This here pig weighs about 100 pounds". The Yankee was having no part of this so in order to convince him the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay the son returned and said, "Ma says she will be right down after she's finished weighing the mailman".
A girl called the police department and reported that...
A girl called the police department and reported that she had been assaulted. The officer who answered the phone, asked, "When did this happen?" She replied, "Last week." The police then asked, "Why did you wait until now to report it?" Well," she said. "I didn't know that I was assaulted until the check bounced."
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