Situations
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A Cowboy riding down the trail encounters an Indian laying on the trail with hard on. The Cowboy asks "what are you doing?" Indian says" Me tellum time." Cowboy shakes his head, rides on, encounters another exactly the same. Says "You telling time?" yup" "how can you tell time like that?" Indian says "workum like sundial, readum shadow". Cowboy, incredulous, rides on. Encounters Indian in trail masturbating. Cowboy says "let me guess, you're telling time too." Indian says " Nope. But me windum clock!"
Farmer Petrovich is whipping and slapping his sheep...
Farmer Petrovich is whipping and slapping his sheep when the localminister comes walking around the corner.The minister says, "My, Farmer Petrovich, you're certainly giving thatsheep a beating. You wouldn't do that to your wife, would you?"The farmer says, "I would if she farted and jumped sideways every time I tried to mount her!
Jewish fly
A man goes into a bar and sits down to have a drink....he notices thatat the other end of the bar is the most attractive woman he has everseen....he is immediately lust-struck and decides that he must haveher....He leans over to the bartender and asks if the bartender has anySpanish-fly in the back....the bartender says he will check and comesback a couple of minutes later with a small packet of white powder....hesays to the man..."this isn't Spanish-fly, we are all out of that....butthis is just as good....this is Jewish-fly, and it is guaranteed to gether over here within twenty minutes after she takes it!" so the manforks over his $10 and asks the bartender to put the Jewish-fly into achampagne cocktail and deliver it to the gorgeous creature with hiscompliments.....The woman drinks the champagne cocktail and looks at our hero ratherdisinterestedly.....but about twenty minutes later she slinks off herbarstool....she saunters across the room toward our hero in a mostseductive manner....oozing sensuality....our hero is terrificallyexcited....she reaches him and puts one lithe arm around his shouldersand leans in close to his ear...he can feel her breath on hisneck....and she whispers "Hey big boy....want to go shopping?"
A woman in the labor ward of the general hospital...
A woman in the labor ward of the general hospital, legs spread wide, lets out a loud yell and out pops a little black head."There was this black guy once" she said to the midwife. Then she screamed again and out pops a yellow body. "That must be the Chinese guy I slept with" she said. Then one more scream and the baby?s white legs were born, "Ah - that was the husbands bit" she said.The doctor held up the multicolored baby and gave it a slap, then baby started crying. The woman looked at the doctor & said "Thank fuck for that, I thought it was going to bark !!!"
Two girls are sitting in a movie-theater...
Two girls are sitting in a movie-theater. "That man beside me is fumbling his crotch", one whispers to the other."Just ignore it", is the answer. "Easy for you to say. He's using my hand!".
A Purple Heart
A decorated war veteran, fresh off the bus, is looking for a place to stay. He hears that room and board is available from the three old spinsters at the edge of town, but is advised they are very picky in letting strangers stay there. He decides to chance it, and limps on up to the front door.His knock is answered by Gladys. "What do you want, sonny?" she asks him."Ma'am, I'm just looking for a hot meal and a room for the night," heanswers.The other two old spinsters gather around the door. "Who's out there? Does he look decent?" they ask.Gladys says, "It's a soldier, and he's got a Purple Heart on."The other two spinsters giggle and say, "The hell with what color it is...let him in!"
A woman strode angrily into the large...
A woman strode angrily into the large drug-store-cum-general-store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered,"Do you mean to tell me that Pussy Treats are meant for 'cats'?"
This guy goes to sperm bank to give a sample...
This guy goes to sperm bank to give a sample. So the girl At the front desk says to him:"Thank you for coming."
A business man from New York decided to quit his job...
A business man from New York decided to quit his job and buy a 200 acre spread in Montana. One day while out riding his horse, he came across another man on horseback. The man told him he was his next door neighbor and he was having a get-together the coming weekend. He said: I have to warn you though, there will be alot of drinking at this party. The city slicker said no problem. There will also be sex going on. No problem he responded. Well, There will probably be some fighting too. I think I can handle myself, claimed the new neighbor. As he rode off, he turned and asked the party host. "By the way, what should I wear at the party" The man, responded "Oh, it don't matter, It's only going to be me and you!"Sent by Chris
The people are waiting
Upon returning to their car from a shopping tour, one of the young ladies realized that she had forgotten to stop at the pharmacy for her birth control pills. She rushed into the nearest pharmacy and gave her prescription to the pharmacist. "Please fill this immediately," she asked. "I've got people waiting in my car!"
Two men went to the desert for a vacation...
Two men went to the desert for a vacation. They rented a camel and headed out. Five days later they came back but without the camel. The man who had rented them the camel was very upset and screamed, "Where is my camel?" They replied, "Well, we were riding along when we kept hearing people say, 'Look at the two assholes on that camel!' So finally we got off to take a look and the damn camel ran away!"
An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote...
An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service stationattendant. "Nothing," shrugged the woman, "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback..."
Ralph and Charlie where playing the ninth hole at...
Ralph and Charlie where playing the ninth hole at the local country club when Ralph hit his tee shot way to the right. Ralph walked over to the deep rough, found his ball, and proceeded to beat the hell out of wild buttercups with his pitching wedge. Mother Nature appeared and said, "Since you destroyed all of my favorite buttercups, if you ever taste butter, smell butter, or even think about butter you will become deathly ill and die."Ralph walked out of the rough toward Charlie with a big smile on his face. Ralph then told him his story with a big grin on his face. Charlie says, "That's not a good thing! Why are you smiling?" Ralph replies, "I almost hit the pussy willows."
How'd you get that black eye?
First man: How'd you get that black eye?Second man: I called some woman a two-bit whore.First man: She punched you?Second man: Nope. She hit me with her bag of quarters.
The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms...
The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms, I was waited on by a beautiful young woman. She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn't sure. So she asked now big I was and I said, "Compared to what?" She held up one finger and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger than that." Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger than that." Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm about that big." She put the three fingers in her mouth and said, "You're a medium."
Unable to attend the funeral after his father died...
Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill." Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on. "Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."
A dancing duck
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for $10000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch...
A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch. He doesn't usually help many people so he drives on by. Then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver so he goes back to help. As he is hooking his truck to her car he says, "You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever helped out of a ditch"."But I'm not pregnant," she says."Well you're not out of the ditch yet," he says.
Oscar was an unlucky sap. Having just spent megabucks on a skydiving...
Oscar was an unlucky sap. Having just spent megabucks on a skydiving class, he dove out of the airplane and pulled the ripcord. The chute emerged, tangled, and he cut it free. He then pulled the cord on the reserve chute, and it also was tangled. He prayed to his God and looked down to the ground below. To his amazement, a woman was coming up with equal velocity. "Hey, you know anything about parachutes?" he shoutedto her, as they passed by. The reply: "No... you know anything about Coleman stoves?"
A wide selection
"Hey, Pal", the irate druggist shouted, "Put that cigar outwhile you are in my store!""I bought this cigar here!" claimed the Customer."Big Deal!", said the Druggist. "We sell condoms too."
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